Bit 'bout Life's lil Bits

2011-10-30T09:16:00.002+08:00

i haven't had enough sleep over the past 2 months or so. lots of commitment. rather, not making a habit to sleep early. haven't been doing my reading either. can't make the time for it (or won't). am involved in dance piece by ali. contemp piece. eye opener. muscles aching. and learning to be grounded. trying to let my body express what is required but, -awwkkkkkward...anyway, its been a long time since i did something like this, but for this piece, really, i do feel much more freedom in dancing although i gotta crack my head to try to get the flow and movement as close as to the choreographer's intent. won't be easy but will try. at the same time, will try to juggle the studying part. sighz.

doing chest radiology this month but since there is no chest alone program, looks like i am stuck in body general or body advanced. many things to know but do not know where to start. and cannot remember anything even worse. feels like med school all over again. lol. but its worth it. i hope! lol.....

2011-09-24T11:17:00.002+08:00

Last week i had the strangest dream. That during my reservist, i was gg to be an Artillery Battalion MO. How strange is that?! More interestingly i also did remember training in the dream. Weird! Anyhoo, it is Syawal now and i havent been out and about like i have always been the past years with my family and friend. Thankfully i am meeting my friends tonight for some get together session! Its always good to catch up with everyone. Also, just completed my FRCR 2A exams. Attempted 3 modules and hoping for the best although its very unlikely that i will pass any of the modules, sigh! But best wishes! 07 Oct 11. D-day!

2011-08-30T12:21:00.002+08:00

TT won. Crap. Somehow i find the whole thing ridiculous. And i think that TJS and TKL wasted crucial votes! More crap! Anyway it is hari raya today and i am working -by choice! lol. ok thats all...

2011-08-21T09:57:00.002+08:00

Watched "Beginners" with the fiance last night. A very heartwarming movie about how your upbringing can really affect your choices and decisions and life. An also about living the life you are not supposed to be living. Interesting. Will watch it again some other time. Definitely one of the movies to watch.

Other thoughts:
1. exam stress. 20 to 21 sept 2011. dammit. taking 3 modules one shot. unnecessary stress that is self inflicted. hope not to fail all.

2. stocks. when will they stop dropping. what to buy when the damage is over? time to buy gold? looks like a promising commodity, even at this price? decisions, decisions..

Updates

2011-08-09T23:10:00.002+08:00

Since the last posting in 2010, as usual, a lot of things have happened, which i will summarise in point form.
- I ORDed from the SAF! (Freaking awesome feeling. 03.Mar.2011 D-Day!)
- Holiday-ed in Japan, Krabi, Bangkok...
- Enjoying the free time i have
- General elections
- Started my Radiology Residency
- Proposed! (awesome!)
- Work..

I will try to blog more often!

2010-10-24T23:30:00.003+08:00

last week we had a series of interesting company event. a series of 'surprise' activations that tested our readiness and adaptability. i say 'surprise' because whatever happened was contrary. i shall not elaborate. all i can say that my platoon did their best, showed their commitment to the task required and executed the necessary that was expected of them.

some of my specialists shined throughout the exercise, which i am grateful for and really proud of because that reflected initiative and responsibility on their part. others were not as exemplary. ultimately, in my humble opinion and from my observations of the other platoons, i think platoon 1 was the best in terms of execution, casman and communication between specs, although much can be improved (as it is with a lot of things in the unit).

additionally, i was particularly impressed with how plt 3 adapted to their scenario that was injected by our glorious one at the eleventh hour. however, as fc, i was dismayed by their display of communication - or the lack of it!

it ended at the eti ground, with a photo taking ceremony and water gunning the ord-ing personnel.

final ex for me! (though seriously...i would like to have had it done at another location outside of the unit, where we can really 'play-out' the scenarios and put what we have learned to real good use).

2010-10-05T19:13:00.005+08:00

since the last entry, many a things happened and many trips. well for one i am still serving the nation. and the day that ends is approaching not too long in the future. am conducting the advanced course now. boys are so full of shit. seriously. the excuses! the lame unwarranted jokes! but that is part and parcel of army life i guess, but looking from another perspective altogether.

recently, RS went to the US or A for a trip. that lasted from 16 june to 2nd july, i think? but it was great. la, sf, lv and grand canyon (with candy). missed being there. if not for the fact that the nation is tying me down (haha), i would have errr, eloped? we got back and felt much of the drain from NOT being there anymore. that reality is back to bite me in my ass. how sad. i remembered feeling very zen about the whole us trip thingy, prob inspired by the fact that the pace of 'life' there is much2 slower there, esp evident from the way drivers there drive. patience. no rush.
my best moments - dancing in debbie reynolds sweating myself out (havent done that in a while), santa monica beach (skating), the fog of san francisco, grand canyon walks and lodge stay as well as pseudo-candlelight dinner there (which reminds me of the jigsaw puzzle that i bought but havent gotten down to build it-still!), driving in Utah/Arizona border, plus shopping.

recently i just had a trip to krabi with my friends. supposed to fly to krabi from fri to sun. in the end, tiger cancelled its flight and we were moved to sat, to fly then. so we went on a road trip to malacca that very day to eat "old town white coffee" and walk around at ?dataran makhota, some mall there. we paid a lot in toll. stupid malaysian tolls - i thought they had plans to scrape it but as always, it never happens. we got back to SG at around 2 and rested at lina's place before flying off the next day. flight was supposed to be at 0640 hrs, we reached the airport at around 5 and the flight was postponed to ten!! freaks man!! we were by then zombified but that did not dampen our spirits...haha..the moment we touched down we were on a roll..getting a cab and booking the 4 island tour. took lots of pictures. can see them on facebook. at night, we ate at some dodgy looking sidewalk place, which had AWESOME pad thai!! freaks man...the beef was damn good (it was a cluster of shops peddled by thai muslims)..cool beans...they had roti canai as well but nutella flavour and egg flavoured ones made crispy style. everyone else had their thingy. lin -tom yam. myra some beef stuff. faridz had some internal organ thing -or did he? so since i was quite spent from the day's affair, i slept like a pig. and got a shock the next day when i realised lina, myra and shik were already up BEFORE nasri!! we headed out for a massage. nasri was particular, so wanted a male masseur. the lady offered him a ladyboy!! he almost vomited and shat his pants. haha..eventually a male masseur came and did his thing. we were just talking cock between the 4 of us -lin, myra, nasri and i while getting massaged. after that we ate at this place called "chaba thai" which was halal but had duck weird stuff....err dodgy..but i had phad thai again...AND superbly nice banana and warm coconut milk, almost fainted. i rushed to the hotel after that since i was supposed to leave the place at 130pm to get to the airport to check in at 2pm.
i got a shock when i got to the airport (after paying 500baht for the taxi trip) and found out that the flight was cancelled!
and so the journey of my life began. i was alone and had to find a way to get home on sunday so that i can get to work on monday.
i bought a ticket from airasia for flight from krabi to bangkok (1hr away north bound) and then bought (sobsss) SIA ticket home for SGD 282 (ONE-WAY..burn...). i got home at 0100 plus plus that day. candy 'received' me from the airport, sneezing and all...and i thank her for that. love you dear!!

2010-03-28T13:13:00.003+08:00

after a tiring week, the concert will finally be over soon. tomorrow is the day. however, there are some thoughts (as an old dancer) about the whole process, with some inputs from my friends.

1. that choreographers do not showcase their prized assets. people being sidelined. those who in fact have star qualities are not being given a role to fulfil their worth and in my opinion, these are those who can actually make the item better. instead, they are the crowd.

2. that choreographers have no right to say that dancers do not do justice to their item. again, in my opinion, this is left to the dancers who, at one point in time during the process, will come to a self realisation that this is true and that they need to step it up.

3. that unnecessary lamenting is indeed unnecessary. it is not productive and it is condescending to the dancers and a poor reflection of your thoughts and character.

4. being productive means being focused to the task at hand. when one says one wants to do a blocking run, then do just that. getting bogged down with choreography during a blocking run defeats that purpose, in addition to wasting your own session's time and the dancers time.

5. preparation is key. while this is important, it has to go hand in hand with being focused (see para 4). there is no point being prepared and knowing what you want but not being focused.

6. respect your dancers the way you want yourself to be respected. this goes without saying.

all the best to me and all for "i am the system!"

2010-03-24T00:17:00.002+08:00

i am the system. a dance production i got myself into early in march. many rehearsals. feeling old and tired. humbled by the many kids in the items. young blood. very fresh and energetic.
ahmad. aimer jusqua l'impossible. something along those lines. fantasy and reality and how they intertwine. got to dance a bit. finally saw how it pieced together. idea! need to choreo the solo part b4 he explodes. i pray for rehearsals to finish on time. almost reached boiling point. decided to suck it up. i used to be like that. no more. u r no choreographer (just a dancer!). bitch!
bryan. neck trying to keep up with the movements. as i said, old and weary. i'm opening the show, miming p diddy on 'welcome to the dollhouse'. how does one act out a name?? (can/no?) no answer from me too.
this week is the last week b4 show on monday. we do not know the stage dimensions. we have not completed the items. argh. apprehensive. you bet. it's always the "i scared i forget steps" feeling. vetting is the day b4 the real show. how timely.
tried to rent a car today in anticipation of a hectic week. the bugger didn't call me back to 'verify' despite the numerous queries.
wanted to collect my seinheiser earphones that have been 'serviced' for the longest time. submitted them (by candy-thank you you!) on the 22Feb and it is already the 24Mar. fail KPI.
MFC was rape today. don't know why. but uneventful. supper with candy at kovan macs. "i want anything but mcspicy". and 'poof!' McSpicy (the hottest chick in town-lame sia macs marketing..).
failed part one. will try again summer sitting. this time better pass-hopefully!

2010-03-10T19:59:00.002+08:00

i just realised that it was quite a while since i had an entry. it seems to me that such entries will take commonplace in future, despite its frequency (or the lack of it). it will take some work of an ailing memory to sum up the events of the past year but i shall attempt nonetheless.

i suppose that after the previous entry,i was either too angry or too lazy (i shall commit to the latter) to type anything here. besides it has also become increasingly evident that, in my sphere of companions (again, or the lack of it), almost everyone is turning it's back on blogging and riding the 'facebook' revolution. perhaps it is the ease of connecting with other people, or perhaps it is with ease that they can vent out small random expressions of emotions that is affecting them into a portal where friends and others can reciprocate. this is unlike blogging, where one has to 'plough' through words to -sometimes- no end. and yes, pictures and videos are easier to upload and share; and as the old adage goes, we all know it, they do speak a thousand, sometimes, more words than writing can ever do. admittedly, i too have fallen for this fad.

to prevent myself from digressing further, i shall begin with one word. conscription. the word that put me where i am now. serving the nation, one may say, but i have other opinions that i shall not disclose. however, i do make exceptions for coffee table chatter, if i can make time for it. so in may 2009, i began my four month journey in MOCC, 68th batch of officers-to-be, naming ourselves 'guardians', which now i feel, in retrospect, we gave a bad name to. for the word does not reflect, in ourselves, whatever it was that we were or what we were, as the name suggests, supposed to protect. though it was pleasant to be in company of fellow colleagues in the god forsaken military confinement, i think it should have been just that. colleagues became friends and friends became buddies and brothers and some ties consequentially end up, well, unpleasant. despite the grudges and sufferings and struggles, we all completed the stint and commissioned as fellow MOs. i much rather would like to share my specific experiences but i do not have the time nor the benefit of an illustrious memory of events to do so. i might do so in another entry, after referring to my notes and organiser for specific dates and try to recollect.

for now, i am quite spent. till later.

2009-04-14T03:56:00.004+08:00

I express utter displeasure at the foolish, uneducated, irrational act committed by my fellow siblings whom, without discretion, doubt and consciousness, deleted- in its entirety - valued documents on the home PC! I abhor their impassiveness, the undisclosed condemnation and their audacity to sleep soundly thereafter.

2009-04-09T02:12:00.002+08:00

I had a very tiring day. Mostly because it was self inflicted. I made the mistake of going for 2 dance classes- one jazz and one hip-hop/jazz funk workshop. I enjoyed them but my hamstrings are starting to ache, like major! And i thought to myself, i've never had this feeling since like what....pre-MBBS, which was like 2 freaking years ago! And despite being exhausted and being reminded that mr taufik has got no stamina during mazlan's VERY ghetto hip hop to pussycat dolls, i pushed myself, which to me, was defo self-satisfying (and also partly because i do not want to lose out to all those <20 yr olds with such BEAMing energy).

Surprisingly, the jazz instructor was Vincent (he taught me beginner's hip hop long ago!). It was not vincent that was surprising, it was how freaking young he looks- he practically looks the bloody same the last time i saw him- that was like 7-8 yrs ago? How can anyone look the same? I mean same yes, but no sign of aging, no white hair! (even i get white hair! and i'm only _ _ yr old!) Then i thought, freak it must be jazzzzzz (add the broadway jazz hands...and the jazz square!). So i decided that once Rusman (another of my jazz and contemporary teachers) decides to teach again, that is when i'll get back to jazz; or if that takes too long i might go for other jazz classes- despite them NOT really being 'jazz' per se. I MISS doing broadway jazz.....and i miss the Fosse-influenced movements, the Luigi warm ups that NEVER got put into practice and the jazz MUSIC! sigh. But i figured before going back to the leaps and the pas de deux, i better dis-possess some (alot actually!) of my insulation - you get my drift...In hip hop however, it is ok because my 'covering' is hooded in the baggy clothes.

I remembered how i was pissed with rozana for NOT 'feeling' the music for 2008 NYE competition and i just stomped off the dance studio- looking visibly pissed (of course!- what else would i look like!?). Today Mazlan must have been like secretly bitching shit to himself about those who didn't. I, certainly (haha!), did (da feelin', not da bitchin')!

Current jam: Otis Redding's These Arms of Mine (now playing for the 12th time....)

2009-04-02T02:24:00.002+08:00

i had a terrible shift earlier. 4-12 with 3 other doctors on the afternoon shift. it always gets hectic after 6pm. i bummed into a fellow colleague from UK who looked visibly upset and i think i understand how she felt. i did not offer any consolation -how evil- because i thought she would not want one anyway. i would not have accepted any if i were her because i hate the feeling of being pitied or empathized.
but i ended with a 5 year old sweet little girl who sustained a small laceration over her right parietal and shed no ounce of tear. i was delighted to stitch her up. but she was primed prior to getting stitched. and i like the way her parents reasoned, to such a young little thing, who's apprehension of pain gets blown into exaggerated proportion at the sight of the perceived potential "harm-doing" (i was guilty of that- every adult was right? whatever it is, i am normal!)
i am reading VS Naipaul's autobiography and learning so much about the life of this literary genius. i highly recommend it.
i have an 8-4 ER shift later and i am not asleep because my circadian cycle is all screwed up thanks to this routine irregularity. i did, however, popped some sleeping aids earlier and have not yet felt its effect, hitherto. 0236am, 2nd april 2009.

2009-03-31T16:53:00.003+08:00

i just finished reading a Naipaul book. it was inspiring. but i cannot help but want to know more about the author. what runs in his head and what his life was/is like. which was the reason why i rushed to the tampines regional library to grab a copy of his autobiography, which turned out to be 550 pages thick! and as usual, i will drag my way through, not cause i get bored and tired reading sometimes, but cause i read painfully slow. i have a bad habit of trying to read too much into sentences without sometimes taking its context into respectful consideration.

that aside i am elated that the posting is coming to a close- soon! i would like to share this joy with the people who dread it as much as i do. but i know they will not be reading this. but despite the dreading and rambling, i felt that i have achieved some sort of a decent level clinical competency, which medical school didn't really equip me. i thank the patients and doctors that have contributed to this!

(NOT) Skiving and random thoughts!

2009-01-30T03:05:00.002+08:00

i just got myself to write this! damn random. i am not free at work, not skiving, of course, like some of my friends! who multi-slack at work! it is quite quiet today, it was however busier in the beginning of the shift! we helped out the rest who were piled up with cases, bailing out i call it.
being in ed sort of like made me think about what i wanna do. seeing patients now becomes a plus/minus instead of a no-no. it does really help when patients are nice and you tend to reciprocate that, but when patients are not-so-nice (i mean they have reasons for that and i got no problem with that, whatever it maybe) it really doesn't make the day that nice too! but i try to absorb their anger and try to make the consult more positive and guess what, i find that getting to the root of their concern really does help make the consult better (community med really does teach u useful things and all that doctor-patient playrole thing sorta pays off).
i had this patient who was so angry he cursed and swear at everyone in the ED and i was like i dont wanna see him - hell no! but when he got into my room he was hostile initially and started scolding the system, the hospital, the staff etc. when i probed him about his tummyache (after like 15mins to really try to calm him down to take a proper history), he was actually apprehensive of the surgery that was to be done on him - he came with biliary colic (i hear,"woah i SO know what the heck that is!", but i won't take time to explain it, so go to wikipedia!) - at a later date. so i explained the possibilities and he felt better! (though i think it was probably the painkillers that i gave him rather than my talking)
anyway my point is that maybe i should reconsider clinical/bedside work in future, although i am still very hesitant! in a place where consultation time is limited by numerous pending cases (mostly sick ones), the abovementioned kind of clinical encounter, being highly likely in the emergency setting (in addition to those where no common ground can be achieved and those with 100% hatred and contempt), may eventually result in an overworked, disgruntled and impassive doctor; an eventuality that i would not, personally, accept.

however, i am likely to re-think that in the near future.

2008-11-10T00:02:00.002+08:00

its start of a new posting and things have been good except for a few glitches partly blamed for my lack of sound knowledge. and i can't blame anyone for the mistakes i have made and therefore have to take responsibility for them. but i was just wondering whether being admonished for it publicly was justified. i was never so much affected by being reprimanded until now. not so much by the mistakes that were pointed out (which i feel are part and parcel of learning process, although people's lives and outcomes may be seriously affected) but rather by my perception of how the process was carried out. and not help but having the gut feeling that some form of preconception played a part in it. and somehow, like most times, i will have a difficult time trying to recover from such 'lessons', making my 'learning' process more trying in the sense that my rationality gets clouded by my misconstruing the whole situation. like although i know that it was supposed to be a learning thingy, there's this intangible residual effect that was left behind from that encounter that made me feel that,"hey why do i have this strange feeling that this wasn't going to be the last of it?" i'm sure people out there feel the same, i don't know, cause not many people voice it out. i probably am just looking too much into this. but like i said, these things do not affect me! but this time it does! ask my dance friends. they would probably go like taufik is a bitch when he is teaching choreography but maybe not so when that 'teaching' is over! but maybe its because that someone i love is somewhere in HongKong!

2008-07-31T00:03:00.003+08:00

had a weekend of dance and out with friends. celebrating birthdays and sort. they went to JB park. no one got shit on their tops. then met at mak's place. i got body shop goodies, an isetan voucher and billabong top from lina/terry! thank you peeps! appreciate tat a lot! and i got a black petite bag from candy! from espirit. i still have yet to find out the bag's background! ehehe... za/i got myra a watch.. but i'm not sure what the rest got her. i can't wait for more surprises coming up this year. i wanna be part of the plan. but i hope it's planned soon! i'm a busy person hehe

i had a dose of CT reporting! on a MONDAY! how cool is that! busiest day for CT reports and with a slow soul like me. but i got the easy ones i would say. not much abnormality to pick up! but to get the feel and hang of it. i never heard of CT lumbar spine until i was reporting one. its quite easy to figure out though...so it went quite well! i have 5 CT sessions next month! hopefully there's good stuff to learn from. also coming up next month are MRI and Ultrasound!! squirm! i will do it! wish me luck!

more dancing coming up in the next few weeks culminating in september. we'll try to finish item soon. i think calvin is being patient with the very disorganised me when it comes to dance. really appreciate what he is doing. the music is in good hands! thanks to roz! owe u one! and i pulled out of candy's, for commitment reasons! (what commitment reasons!!!)haha..

Ok if u like flowers and not into how it is arranged nicely and spread out over a big enclosed space for u to walk around snapping photos, then do not go to the garden festival thing! luckily it ends tom! (today! yeah)

my neck hurts from pas de duex. i think suli has something to do with this! hmmmm...

Its been a while

2008-07-23T13:55:00.002+08:00

hello cyberworld. i haven't realised it has been like almost one year ok 3/4 of a year since i posted something in here. i guess i must have forgotten. that i still have a blog around.

what has happened so far?
a lot of changes here and there. lifestyle. job (not the job but the location and the position of course-- no more saikang [is that right?] stuff- for now at least). still the same girlfriend. the dancing still the same too. and i guess the worldview's kinda like unchanged as well.

lifestyle. i'm just trying to safe more cash for the golden years -ya right. everything IS getting more and more ex these days. i mean in the time i didnt post here. oil prices shot up but now slowly trying to come down- SLOWLY. food prices dont seem to show any sign of lowering at all, but it is still the same food.if i only knew the actual mechanics of pricing and all these market stuff, maybe i wouldn't be complaining so much! but i'll safe thatfor some other time i guess. it will help i'm sure.

job. i'm an MO now. the year of HOship ended. it actually ended i was wondering when that was gg to happen. like i was freaking forever in scrubs. and gg on call and stuff like that. and surgery was no easy life. it was hard and people made it harder. but survivin it was an achievement for me. no more gg back there! but some lessons were learned. working with people, communication skills, handling information, dealing with seniors. ur presentation skills were put to practise too! and character building. u never knew that u were capable of doing things u'd never thought u do. or not do it but thinking of doing it sometimes made me hate myself for thinking so. well i tried to be my best but i guess sometimes the worse comes out of it, in some situations. but what would life be wihtout all these things. how would u learn if not by making mistakes. now in radiology, life is a little different. there is indeed less patient contact and more looking into the screen. its good and bad. but i'm gg back to clinical for now. just to get back some 'doctoring' skills. gg back to NS soon too. i wonder how it will be. must attain some level of combat fitness.

its nice to type again! gtg. more reporting.

taufik

2007-12-10T20:22:00.000+08:00

yeah on call today
ok nothing to be happy about. i think there are sick patients around but have to keep cool and treat them patiently.
candy's out dancing with the bunch of blast peeps paying lots of money to learn from gigi torres and lots. pls record so i can watch in youtube.
speaking of which i'm crazy about you-bloody-tube! i cant live without it. i need at least 2 hrs dose of it daily. so many videos to choose from and so little time. sigh
anyway will be joining the dance comp with the freaky nuts people and hence the need to keep up my stamina man.....so that i wont look like a sick puppy beside these adrenaline pumped people. they are like bursting with teenage hormones which i so very lack. sian...and i need to rid of the fats fast or i'm be stickin out sideways... and my apologies for not coming today.. i didnt know i was on call till i saw the call list and it spelled my name! haha...
good weather to sleep man..

taufik

2007-10-30T22:36:00.000+08:00

this is cool beans...updates... nothing much moving to a new ward cum 1st Nov the big changeover is pending.. call roster is out..as usual it sucks! there's like one public holiday call..but what is new...public holiday is good...hope there's like lesser admission it usually is the after after that's a killer.
started to try to go gym and trying to lose some mass...maybe need to lose like 6kg...dont noe how that is gg to happen..but it will haha...
and starting to think of so many plans like i am manic person...which reminds me i better read up on some pharmacology before Nov begins...brush up on some things i forgot..waddaheck...

2007-10-15T01:22:00.000+08:00

it's hari raya already and it's mid october. gosh how time flies. and the older we get and the more we have to have plans and goals and purpose as to what we wanna achieve the next few years. and where am i in this so called plan? nowhere...we i have some things in mind..some maybes and some i really wanna do that next time but these are like pieces of jigsaw left as well..pieces of jigsaw, where sometimes i feel no effort is made to achieving that final product. and there are so many things to do and so little time and plus i dont really noe where to start and focus. so maybe i should write them down in my big book of plans- which i dont have by the way- and start detailing the bits...to the littliest crumb of detail i can...and take action....hmmm...sounds like a good idea....i'll keep myself posted...
so many things so little time.....lalala....

taufik

2007-10-07T22:43:00.000+08:00

it's been a month now at some hospital in singapore. and doing internal medicine as a posting here can be quite tough. and sometimes depressing. not depressing cause people die and relatives get abandoned cause they just had a stroke and become 'useless' to those who used to love them right up to the point it happened, but more like depressing cause i got myself into this in the first place. At times, there are moments you feel like u are making a big difference but at other times-which sometimes happen to be most of the time- you just feel like why am i doin this s*&t over and over again y'all. and i bet no one in their sane will want to be a doctor if they know that they will end up doing the things i do now. if u are reading this and if u have been watching the first season of Grey;s anatomy-it's not entirely bull!- it's real--> yup the torture, the 'changes' and having to have the patience to deal and to hold on to whatever sanity u have left just to get thru the day, is a blessing and u're alright if u go berserk. what i should have done was to listen to my seniors back then when i was a first year medical student--> but having said all that, i have no regrets, well....i whine and bitch and trash people and aliens sometimes- people do that right?- but i take myself through the thorny, depression inducing journey and morale slamming path that i tellmyself from day one of this profession," i will survive this!" and what's better was that along the way i found passion and i found love and purpose. and that's what's worth living and striving for! oh man....u piece of emo shit!

wow

2007-08-12T21:27:00.001+08:00

i am just amazed by all the dancers of so u think u can dance this season 3. they are all very capable. these people are so talented and i have so many more years! to go from now haha.... maybe wont even be like them.... and contemporary is something that i really wanna explore dammit these people haha

anyway they will always be some kind of inspiration somehow and in someway

so here's a video link of this week's one....contemp and jazz.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A20rDGLZIuc&mode=related&search=

2007-08-03T10:41:00.000+08:00

ok today looks like a good day at work..
although sometimes there are moments like there's nothing to do and u just look around for thngs to do.....sian....

anyway miss mak is going to get converted soon...i mean doing a fulltime job that is.
so good eh? will be earning more money..but with great money will come great responsibility and more things to do..so that means i will hav less time to spend and means more whining on my side...

TNW looking good...samsara (i still dont know why it's call samsara) and ryan's item looking promising..and i need to lose weight in order to look presentable on stage..i dont want anyone vomiting after dinner and thankfully, samsara would be the last item cause it's zaini's item and if anyone vomits, it's like time to go home anyway!!

haha...

ok got continue work... damn!

2007-07-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

it's sian having to start work and having to be responsible for so many things now. like u are making decisions everyday for urself or someone else, decisions that may change someone else's experience or life for that matter. but tat is life--> u have to be responsible some way and for things, within ur control and those without. and we have to face them whether we like it or not.

but i feel it's how u take them that matters, positive thinking is always good and very contructive and personally that's how i think we should function though i admit most times i succumb to thinking negatively--> cant help it i'm sadistic.
so i embraked on reading this book about buiding ur muscles for everything--> not just physical but the mental and the financial and emotional--> the author advices the reader to be more aware to keep journals and to get a buddy where we can let out and lash out all the thoughts, beliefs and emotions that we get or have when we come across a certain experience, making a certain decision or having laid upon a certain responsibility. we are adviced to take note of that particular reaction and explore the underlying meaning of it and possibly trace it's origin just so we can find some reason o help us understand why we think, feel and behave as such--> and once that is done how we can reverse the counter-productive aspects of it into more productive, optimistic approach to things.

that said, it looks tedious and damn irritating and too much details to focus on and so many things to note--> adn where to start i have no idea. i have so many responsibilities, problems and questions about so many things in life--> and sometimes unwilling to acknowledge them--> maybe cause i am to afraid to embrace them or for some other unknown reason that i am umwilling to explore. i cant even define those things properly. i'm too how to say...general.

maybe it's time to get some thinking and putting other people's advice to good practice

and the new season of sytycd is out--> by the way--> and the different choreos are so interesting and new and so may genres are being explored that i feel like going to learn everything haha are u nuts or what? no time...haha

got interesting story abotu some patient who thinks i'm a gynae haha....so wierd....

24 in 24 mins...how nice!

2007-06-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

the first 2 months in obgyn have been god thus far except with the little stuffs here and there which are think were amplified to pseudo-catastrophic proportions. but i dont care, i take it as learning points and move on. in fact i dont even think about it sometimes until someone mentions them. oh whadda hell....there are more things in life than to think of these menial sh*t, seriously. and that i wouldnt want to practice medicine this way, as i have seen so far; putting unnecessary stress on stuff that waste time and resources; its ok if u dont understand, its more like personal venting, more like i need to shit off all these crap!

anyhow socially its been good. dancing and keeping the heart pumping and the fats shaking. i have a problem with my fats, that they just wont budge. i saw the video of BHF @ finals and it seems like i was popping my fats more than my chest haha..damn funny...and dancing has been a tiring but definitely fun way of keeping myself busy from the crap that is going on somewhere else..the past three weeks has been like one of the best experiences in my life..like the culmnation of oppressed fat me haha..no la more like deprived of dancing... we churned out choreo, talked bloody crap, sweat like the desert sun just burned and laughed at the lamest things...so yes thanks to my frens and my wondrful girl for the experience and journey..maybe we shall call ourselves BHF permanently la..haha...and yes i wanna join the REMIX, ewan meesage me the stuff about the comp...sounded lame but yah ahha....we'll see how it goes ok?

anyway who's up for badminton? make it weekly..haha

2007-03-11T03:35:00.000+08:00

woah what up y'all! jst got b(L)ack from watching STOMP THE YARD!! it's damn cool, there's a whole lot of blackness in it! yeah i wanna be black too!the attitude and the brotherhood, i'm feelin' in man... so yes got some inspiraton from watching the show, that you choose who u wanna be! we all noe that but how many of us dare to live it.. more lessons learned too: live is about having second chances that no matter what u do, it's not for some ethics committee to decide man, but for someone up above, so while u are still alive u can amend it, if, of course, u noe what there is to be amended.
all that dancing, krumping and stepping really got me in the mood back again y'all.. but gotta hold on to that for a while i go thru the more important 'shit' haha..
and yes, it aint impossible to get a black man's body!! so gym..here i come....

personal rating for the movie: 4.5/5

surgery essay on monday..yep that's tom!!

2007-03-08T14:43:00.000+08:00

another fucked up paper i must say. there are a lot of things i learnt from this mcq paper, things i never knew existed in medicine, basically a lot of things..feels like i am doing a post grad exam. some people were saying that the way singaporean exams are structured in medicine is such that no one wil be able to get honours in MBBS...but there are some freaks out there somewhere who noe more, obviously they study more and maybe been seeing a lot of people in the wards more i guess? oh well, surgery is up next and there;s a whole lot of it...ortho, general surgery, obstetrics & gynae and i dont noe what else...feeling drained!!!
it's worth it it's worth it's worth it it's worth it.....

2007-03-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

those fuckers who set the last papers should be should...i wouldnt say it's unreasonable but unexpected and i am very sure majority of us did not expect wat came out! damn it la..i would be better off, i guess, if i had just taken that ten minutes reading but even if i had ten minutes i wouldn't look at it trust me.... haha..anyway it;s over and done with and another paper beckons...

an earthquake occured just now during the paper....somewhere in sumatra and according to some the residual seismic waves were felt here..and more so in the east side...why? according to vincent, there's a difference between the soil composition in the east and west..east more soft cause it is formed by sedimentation whereas those in the west were more solid rock! wow! enlightenment! geography freaks! i used to be top in geog in my secondary school..haha ya ya whatever...i noe noe....okla..that doesnt matter...
anyway there is this place somewhere in sengkang where urban meets nature somewhere over some bridge and over some river...kinda where human and natural geog interaction shit happens..

c'mon....only 3 more weeks to go!!!

2007-03-05T16:44:00.000+08:00

ok i have ugly hair..maybe cause i am damn stressed ... ok maybe that's what i inferred. my girlfren said that instead of saying hello or i love u or have u eaten at munchies? so she's trying to fix it now while grumling about me blogging, which i dont think is a HUGE problem considering i have 5 essays in 3 hrs tom....not that i am stressed or anything..yeah right....

2007-03-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

nothing is up but just feels good to be blogging after so long. and spending a lot of time online IS very counterproductive i noe but it;s addictive.

anyway yesterday we had lots of fun outside with some of the gang members mainly Amirah, Lina, Beid, Shik, zahdan and rohaidah. and took nonsense photos and more nonsense videos that have yet to be edited! wait till it loads on youtube.com.

anyway just some random youtube clips..quite funny... check them out..

set 1- American politics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTjqfRCZIuo&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0f2dHJ6A18

Justin's new video tat's never ending: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2n1_h3Bvt0

Sleep Deprived

2007-03-02T08:29:00.000+08:00

It's get'in a bit hard to sleep these days. everytime i get on my matress my body itches-pre exam itch? freak i dont need this...bed lice~
right now the sun is rising on me~ i'm infront of LT14 after spending 30 minutes looking for powerpoint..... for those non morning birds..enjoy...not really nice la but enjoy......i caught the sunrise for you.....or a bit of it....

2007-03-01T15:42:00.000+08:00

freak it's been months since i blogged anything. well let's just say i am busy with lots of stuff and shit. the MBBS is finally here. just had my first paper and i went satisfactorily with some cock up here and there but it was a good start of the thousands of papers to go. eh i feel better already sia writing this out...
i want to thank my girlfriend for being there for me. she's the sweetest! she is sleeping now-no, not beside me in bed, not yet. and she's been very patient with my nonsense....
many people like everyone at home- i'm not dying dont worry- they make u pull out ur hair but they are bearable- family mah no choice! and yes that cat called Kevin, who's been everyone's source of smile and joy- maybe thats why he is so grumpy. all these fcuking humans drain my joy from me! meow! anyone got cat show lobang? i want to force him to join..at least he can socialise and meet the felines, u noe what i mean!
right now back to my studies....
and yes the wonders u can do with a macbook....go get one!

2006-10-28T20:53:00.000+08:00

was talking to some relative bout tracing one's roots and i realised that maybe i should. my dad was the only kid and i noe no nuts bout his real family. he used to stay in one part of the country where he made lots of close frens and they become adopted relatives. and my dad used to be malaysian. he was a PR then was naturalised singaporean. how cool is that. and i recalled my mom saying tht he has relatives back in malacca, where he was from and he brought his mom here to stay with him and therefore us. she was and still is my favourite caregiver. and maybe finding n loving these people whom she used to live is something tht she wanted me to do. she's a Bugis by race, and she spoke and wrote Bugis (not sure about the writing part). and i recall she speaking words from this language to me back in the distant past. and mayb finding these relatives would be doing her a favor. maybe if she were still alive, she would have brought me to malaysia- when i get a bit older and when she had the money- to showed me off to her sisters and nieces and nephews. maybe she wanted to do that. just now, one of my relatives was telling me tht my father's cousin was still alive and that he was around my dad's age, which now would be 61. and said he looks like my dad. cool isn't it. i will go to malacca one day. soon. Allah bless.

2006-10-28T02:46:00.000+08:00

i got myself a bit of diarrhea yesterday. imagine crapping 14 times 1 night and 4 times the next morning, only to go to the doctor feeling better. but got medication and it was free. both the medication and the consultation. no no. not the yih doc.it's the gp downstairs. cause he knows my mom and know me as a medical student. that's freaky eh? but it's still free. i cant recall what i ate though. must have been someone spiking my drink cause i remembered placing my water bottle on my motor bike basket w/o attending to it until 3 hrs later, by the time, endless possible events could have taken place. and i drank it all. or the food at the houseman canteen. i dont care. feeling better now is good. i always think as sickness as some form of weakness, however perverse tha may sound. like u ar not trying hard enough to overcome some biological malfunction or physiological glitch that's going on somewhere inside u. and this time it sucked. i have to admit that though i think that way, somehow, ironically i'm the exact opposite when i'm sick, like when it gets bad, every ounce of tenderness is a one ton elephant stepping on my heart (u know what i mean--> freak that was a bad one!). and with my negtive personality and fatalistic attitude, i tend to aggravate 'minor' ailments and wonder about the gravets of prognosis, like every damn thing associated with the diseased organ is a possibility- the worse the more possible.
medical school doesnt seem to help educate me in this aspect. it freaks me out even more. the more u know, the more u know what u're likely to die from.
sometimes i wonder wat doctorsdie from. someone should study this eh? it'll be intersting to find out.

2006-10-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

this sucks. the feeling that u are going to be doomed. exams and depressing moods. i can never be ready for the exams, no matter how much i study. and when i think about that, other feelings start kicking in, feelings of uncertainty about medicine and whether i really wanna do that stuff. well i don't know, sometimes these feelngs come and go and u get over it after a while but this one, it just lingers. i feel like prescribing myself prozac right now. and i dont know how many other people out there are suffering as much as i am as a final yr med sch student.
maybe it's the no time to celebrate joyous occasion or too much celebrtion causing guilt and self inflicted pain and depression or maybe just really no time to cover ecerything u're supposed to cover.
there's that empty feeling again....
help!

tired and stress

2006-10-14T12:21:00.000+08:00

when u have nothing to do and u have a macbook and in macs, there's just one thing to do when u're stressed out- take photos. here's what we did.

2006-10-08T17:44:00.000+08:00

i jsut finished watching two episodes of grey's anatomy and well, though it was a bit exaggerting, i guess i did inspire me, abit to do what i am supposed to do as an intern(house officer for the British trained). like tons of administration, doing plug setting and blood taking and cultures and ordering medications you don't even know for what. u just take the medication chart and just write down everything the consultant says. never mind what the heck the drug is for. but hey, u have be a doctor to prescribe it and what better way to abuse an intern, who by the way is a doctor and can write and has like tons of other mindless jobs to do. like follow a patient down to the radiology department 1km away, wait for him or her to take a CT scan and walk 1km back. i'm not complaining, people's lives are at risk here and someone's gotta do it. so here we are doing it. it's just a preview of what i am going to be doing. although i do not know what i am supposed to be doing. after 2 weeks of internship, i am still clueless. never mind that finals are coming in like 4 or 5 months time, someone's gotta do the shit work. and there is just no point giving anyone senior ur i'm-sick-of-this-shit face cause there're just going to give u back their i've-been-there-done-that-look-and-u're-hopeless face. so i just swallow..i'm going to be in that shit hole for the next 1 week and i'm taking a day off. just to say that i have an appointment and i will make an appointment! whatever. maybe it'll be a shopping appointment. and the week after, i'm just praying that i transfer to a ward where the patient turn over is slower and u r not expected to know patient's like ur freaking underwear. on the other hand, it does give u a sense of being resonsible to ur patients and what their problems are.if u manage to stay with them after rounds and all tat, and if u have time-really- u'll find out a lot of things about people and u meet different kinds of people. arrogant poodles, shy mice, mad hatters and whiny chihuahuas u know wat i mean.
i'm struggling to study and work at the same time. and it doesn't help tha tutors are breathing down ur necks and are expecting u to grow exponentially without having giving u the chance to experience it. i mean yes, in reality there's no such thing. and i know that. sometimes i wish i was a ice kacang seller or something.....and speaking of which i am craving for a cup of chendol.

p.s: u hate being a doctor and u wish u hadn't learn medicine when u make mistakes, mistakes that u noe shouldn't have been done in the first place cause u know u can avoid it but u just forgot about it.....and it makes u wonder why the heck do know so much but can do so little sometimes.....

2006-08-15T01:25:00.000+08:00

lyrical is in the limelight. many seem to be doing it. ok in fact almost everything everyone does is lyrical be it hip hop jazz or lyrical. and seems like mainstream music is offering people chances to explore their creative potential. good good. i wanna dance in more lyrical stuff. and work on my technique hopefully. it better be soon cos my dance career wont be for long. i'm gonna let my inner thigh muscles undergo disuse atrophy and get myself an arthritis or two. and get fat. so people even if it's dancing to twinkle twinkle little star lyrically, let me knoe, i'll watch and not dance.
and for those who wanna optimise their lyrical potential, might wanna check out ryan tan;s lyrical jazz classes every monday. check out o-school website.

speaking of which many blast members have been sweating it out in AS7 n contributing to the stench. and somehow like everyone is finishing up their choreo for the sake of vetting this coming wednesday. my opinion. but everything looks good and i see more people sprouting out of nowhere. i like caleb's item. maybe cause it's completed. i'm looking forward to shut up and dance.

and decided to join the tri-fac bash competition to do my fac a favour and join the dance comp cause no one else is joining. i hope i dont exert myself too much. after all these are over, i'm gg to study, i really am. i wanna grad and practice some decent medicine and surgery.

i need sleeping pills...

2006-08-08T00:14:00.000+08:00

it's been a hectic past month and getting more hectic soon. dance and dance everyday. even national day. speaking of which i dont feel the "patriotism" like i usually do. the last time i thought i did something proud for my country was during 2004 NDP i think. we did the flag stuff. in front of a crowd of 60,000. ok maybe also when i helped by not littering, smiled at tourists and giving them directions. just to put singapore 'there'. like we kena force to also. i saw this ad on a double-decked bus some time ago about some smile singapore campaign, come this september. i'm not surprised cause they have like delegations from around the world coming for the imf meeting. we have to be told how to behave what to do and what not to. but i thinkthat's normal for singaporeans, at least for the majority. why question policies that if questioned might be career ending or be made to believe that one is being persecuted. never mind. i'll leave such things to the bothered.

dance is getting crazy. i think i will get chronic fatigue and hypo-studyemia if i keep up at this rate. damn. but so far the short postings have been good to me. they are not so demanding and the timing of SIP would be just right. right after DR and the Next Wave. i'm doing caleb's, idil's and jiexiao's item. different styles and music. so can get to explore and i enjoy them in their own way(s). i think this yr's DR would be a choreo explosion. from the very experienced to the young choreographers who indeed have substance, i think it's going to be a night of hip hop overdose! but may have it's drawbacks. maybe i talk about it post concert la. not nice to mention things now. and the prganization of the rehearsals, administration and conduct of DR stuff have been seemingly smooth and good. kudos! CFA should make us dance jackets! for every group. brings about some sense of pride and identity. or better we make it overselves. looking forward to both.

currently doing geriatrics. letures were boring. tutors were telling grandparent stories (no pun intended). some even mocked the old people! yes there are evil doctors out there. beware! haha. and nowadays they keep telling us to practise safe medicine if we dont want to be famous. by famous he/she means not to be advertised in straits times front page. which is true. but the emphasis is somewhat misplaced. maybe it's how they deliver the message. medicine in the first was never meant to be an unethical practise. it's just i think we med students have sometimes been misguided. ok maybe not misguided but certain things are not emphasised during ward rounds or clinical tutorials. like basic ethics of approach, treatment etc. which is the art of it. and some doctors r truly bad example of what a doctor should be. poor clinical manners and students passively pick it up. thinking it's normal. hence we are a self-perpetuating bunch, like it or not. but again, i'm not in the position to revamp medical education and yes i am a rebel myself and sometimes i dont like the way things are done in medical school and yes i am at a lost. but i have no choice, everyone i think feels like that some time or another.

the rest of NUS would be starting school soon. not that it matters. lalala.

yes anyone with a rapid weight loss suggestions, regimens, techniques pls let me know. in person or via email. i need to lose some weight(ok maybe not some).

2006-08-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

ortho is damn relaxed. i just learned a new term from ali; 'chillax'. a combi. anw no tests no exams as yet. and not in the clinics. wards are empty and most are post op cases. it's been a hard week in terms of dancing. gonna learn more steps for DR, now got one more item to worry about. jiexiao's. choreo is nice. saw durng vetting. do i sound dead? nvm.
getting stressed out about tix and allocation. and getting people to come. i need someone to push me around when it comes to getting things done.
next week will start geriatric medicine. CGH- welfare for medical students hospital here i come. near my home far from school and everyday got rehearsal. damn.

i love you candy.

2006-07-28T00:10:00.000+08:00

ok 1.what do you call a crazy young woman?
and 2. what is a cyst(a fluid filled cavity lined by epithelium)'s favourite pastime?

i'll tell the answers later.

what's been up?
orthopedics. revision is quite hard core. trying to pick up finer points in history taking and physical examination and can be quite challenging. all the tutors are like gearing us up for the final exams. and i seem to be stressed by all these but at the same time still wanna take it slow. i guess it's about showmanship during the examination. like playin a game with the examiners you lead them to where you wanna take them(to your advantage not to your grave). still trying to be fluent and trying to brush up skills. should be at the back of my tongue now waiting to come out!
playing frisbee again tom. the first experience wasn't that bad. except we played at 12nn in the hot sun. almost dehydrated. shirt was soaked. and the fats were out. no choice. was damn hot. drank water like mad thenafter. the weather will be fine.

progress on the "shut up and dance" and "next wave-______" has been good! however still trying to get steps right and more importantly enjoy doing it. seems like i' spending a lot of time dancing. choreographers have a habit of keeping people beyond their allocated time or worse, they dont tell you what time they end. if they end they end! so such things can be a turn off, sometimes. most times i guess having the right people in the dance helps( dont worry, u always do ok?! yes you..the one with the red left eye)
most items are either halfway through or ending soon. zaki's hasn't started. it's supposedly going to be some miracle. apparently he is able to start late and finish early. good luck to us all.

at home. the cat's always meowing. time to catch up with family and make plans for the weekend or something. maybe cook at home or go malaysia again?!

the 26 year old body will never materialise if i dont come up with something concrete soon! damn it. all the dancing dosn't help. either that or it aint enough. or that i'm eating too much junk. but junk is good. most times. focus focus focus. and discipline. target, goals. hmmm.. slowy slowy.....

answers
1. Psycho-Sis
2. hanging out with the Cyst-ers

and check out this guys blog under the entry "JUA JUA JUA JUA JUA!!!! " see the youtube video there. it's damn hilarious!

2006-07-19T15:53:00.000+08:00

lazy slacking at home. psychiatry damn slack too. they teach us little but test us on a lot. previous derm posting was slack also but ended wit a u can't slack so much test! i see a pattern.
i have to get started revisng for the final MB.
i miss my girlfriend!

2006-06-23T03:22:00.000+08:00

sentosa, zoo, rice table, orchard, reservoir and home.....i think we never ever did had so many things going on in a day, and managed a 1hr mcCafe chill out @ Lido too.... my tummy is still full from all that food and my head still hurts from too much visuals, sound and smell! damn....
and i got a Pierre Cardin belt (reversible) from someone, wont mention names...and someone still stubbornly refuse gifts....thank you so much dear..i love it....i try to wear everyday...

looking forward to do one busking item...dont know who's gg to be in my item but what the heck...thank idil for taking pains to organise..i'm just fucking lazy i guess..... no more than 2 turns i promise.... no jetes, en dedans, pirouettes....

and people forgetting this and that..... cannot assume also that they know but then again....who am i? i guess i'm a nobody... no one tags no one msgs no one bothers.... shit..gettin that kena taken for granted feeling again...this time by everyone....

school starting in 3 days ... derm kick starts the barrage of revision anfd short postings times 5 then it's full speed ahead...i still wanna dance though.... must plan early early.....this end yr must must getaway...but somehow that i feel wont materialise again..this time for a academic reasons..shit my life is so predictable sometimes... daymn...

tomorrow is another packed day...i'm thinking of a dvd marathon at night....

anniversary

2006-06-22T01:35:00.000+08:00

yes it's been a year already. time does fly by. time to reflect, learn and look forward. it's still very much honeymooney. very very. since no one reads this anyway, i might as well say that i love u, candy mak yu shan! the year has been ecstatic!

2006-06-14T02:14:00.000+08:00

i got myself a new bike. it's a wave s and it's still running in. riding around 60-70km/h can be damn boring esp when u're on the highway and it's like the whole really pass u by. it reminds me of when i had my first bike - a skipper, which dragged itself along the expressway.... whatever happened to it? still getting used to this new semi-auto mechanism, not bad, getting on well with the new bike. i guess i am too used to using the clutch but it's gotta change. now my family can go for outings, no need for car reservations. and more late night johor baru trips without having to worry about having to painstakingly hold on to the clutch till ur left fingers get cramped! and enjoy the roti canai there..... ~drool~
school's starting soon andwaiting for the new groupings to be out. just hoping for the best *fingers crossed*
still sloughing thru my case writeups at this moment n taking a break. cooking up some cases for submission. the other thingleft is thet report on neurology elective, supposed to describe our experience. feels like i'm doing some GP essay all over again. n no one likes GP, right? right....
yest had the cast party over at zaini's place which has superb deco and from where he stays he's gt a gd view of a lot of scenic places like the marina south, benjamin sheares bridge with the delta of the kallang river joining the sea, the city lights at night and the sunset in the horizon almost 365 dys a yr. daymn... plus he decorated his room conceptually...ideas ideas... east meets west kind....a lot of people came..the usual and some unusual....sarcastic not sarcastic....circus-tic ones too... just hanging out enjoying tons of food and watching so you think u can dance and evocation and next wave-quintessence almost simultaneously..... performances were gd.... and the critics were bad... i'm not a critic..i just add on..realli
the holiday was well, i could say well spent..i re arranged my room, became an ikea member, shop till i drop ( i know wat that means now) and taking dance classes plus having dance rehearsals, having fun..but that's like what i do all the time..i'm still trying to start the momentum of studyng gg on again but it seems hard right now...and i'm in 2 NW items and 2 DR items and doing busking...i hope it's worth it...it better be..it'd be good experience la...except worries of impending academic sacrifices and much more hell to come...slowly slowly..breathe breathe...
i've not been doing a lot of keeping abreast with a lot of things..people inside and outside.... news here and there..dances and new stuff... maybe cause i'm not picking up new things fast enough or not learning much cause i'm too busy doing other things or too lazy to be doing anything at all....i'm guessing it;s more of the latter...it's the physical exhaustion that sometimes -most times actually- that slows me down..with work or school and this sucks..u know but u just can't move....we all know whats bad i believe but it's what u wanna do about it....i know..i know...
right now my inner thighs and buttock hurt from too much dance.... but i gotta get back to my work...
i welcome back all those med students who just came back from their overseas elective...even if u dont care....
and my heart and prayers go out to all those people suffering out there, me and you included.....

2006-06-02T12:58:00.000+08:00

a new show coming up...a no show in the hospital and today's my last day there but haven't been there in a freaking week... but have to show my face at the dean's office one day cause i have to return the locker keys and the access card...which defeats the purpose of not gg in the first place.... not that the ER is not an interesting place to be...people with head lacerations and stitchin them up, fractured hips and broken arms bringing back the dead is v stressful....tutors were staring and me and i at them and i wondered why...maybe i'm the blurrest person in the ER... but i got things done... at home or elsewhere been reading out of conciousness and then... i realised that i am gg to have a bit of practice for DR and next wave like...hhmm..almost every other day and i am wondering how i am gg to slot in study time into the busy schedule.... yr 5 s starting in 3 weeks and DR and next wave in three months..good luck to me...
been having vomiting bouts that's killing me...Han and i were having some discussion at the gym one day..that guys become complete pussies when they're sick.....that their tolerance for pain is somewhat diminished despite having gone through NS and shit like that..... i dont mind the vomiting but the tummy pain is killing me... i admire all those women out there whose gone through normal vaginal delivery... it looks f*&king painful and i think it is f*&king painful! and i dont know how they bear the undeterminable no. of hours of pre-labour cramps n pain and foetus-bashing-the-stomach uneasiness.... so i'm not gg to complain that my tummy hurts...at least not to my mom....
n yes all the best to those up for the hiphop competition at far east 2nite...

lamentations of an asshole (pronounced as Taufik)

2006-05-14T03:11:00.000+08:00

dance competition over and we're in the semis. today's was at amk and next week's semis are over at tiong bahru plaza there i think. can go check it out 20.05.2006 @ 730pm or so. i am proud to be dancing side by side with my girlfriend who i'm proud to say is one heck of a damn good dancer(Dan from so you think you can dance would describe it as 'bad-ass'- i have to agree!)! yes for those there supporting us, thanks! and looks like we have tough competition up ahead, still tryin to identify or working styles and dance identity, though i think it's gonna take a whole lot of time, maybe even after the comp ends but that's fine by me! i have a huge problem working with difficult people and i know most times i am the most difficult one in the group,keep antagonising everyone in a crew and slamming ideas and being critical yet i myself am fickle and stuff. ok i admit not being a good dancer, have a poor working attitude and have problems communicating in a civilised manner, and sometimes i try to be good and sometimes i just can't(well more like most times) but it's true what my gf said, that i have to find a way to communicate such that i get my point across without offending anyone and without an imposing tone( or sarcastic or bitchy or the you're-hopeless tone)....i'm trying ok dear.... thanks....
ok now that aside finally i've been spending some time with my sec sch friends lately and been catching up on the same old stuff. they're gg redang this end of june, obviously leaving me out (i start final yr MED then-shit! and i still don't know how to manage diarrhea..ok i'm kidding la...i;m not so slack ok!) but i let them have their fun. besides 12 people maybe too big for me...i have poor working team attitude remember? and really if someone has an idea how i can help myself be a little bit more patient in my daily undertakings and basically everything i do, pls drop me a msg...
i'm currently elective-ing at cgh a&e, pls day hi if u're there, no need to if u're in the resuscitation room cause i'd have to get you alive first..ok lame...but yes seen several morbidities and mortality at the emd..medicine is an eye opener to a spectrum of social, financial and (duh! medical) ills and there's so much to learn just by observing and talking to people. which i guess why history taking is so much emphasised in medicine. 88% of the time u can diagnose a condition just by asking questions w/o even touching the patient (ok trivia!!).still have reports to do for neurology elective and 4 short (2medical and 2surgical cases) cases to give to my supervisor. well today as least i learned that ciprofloxacin can be given for people with traveler's diarrhea and for kids(<18 yo) give them bactrim...and to be wary of kids and elderly that present with nausea vomiting diarrhea with abdominal pain, that some more sinister pathological process maybe happening eg acute appendicitis or ischeamic colitis....
ok before i sleep may i extend my sincere apologise to the citizens of the world for having angered, insinuated, sinistered, manipulated, sarcasticated, insulted or giving you a piece of my mind in a manner deemed inappropriate, i truly am.

p.s. i think i have ulnar nerve entrapment syndrome....shucks my forearm hurts like mad...bilaterally....any physiotherapist around? i need elbow braces!! cheap cheap ones!

2006-04-18T14:09:00.000+08:00

it was a sunday and i was up and about by the time it was noon and got myself ready for the day ahead. it started with classes at geylang, which was quite humbling, seeing so many people from all walks of life exercising their lips and tongues, attesting or hoping to at least attest to one faith. there were some funny moments though, i was there and listening to all these people trying to recite the opening verse of the quran with their native tongues, funny sometimes, bloopy sometimes but learned something about language. mr. bani is always enlightening us. and i as usual i get the ignorant spell, try to compensate by scribbling it somewhere somehow on my little notebook then he 'enlightened' us again by sayin that a 14th century muslim philosopher who had special interest in education and learning said that it was better for a person to learn something by looking at the speaker than by looking into the book, for which he explained that ur vision is limited by the lines in the book...what about the lines on the face? in this day and age, it's very hard not to be perturbed by those creases one has and wondering whether or not they've heard of botox and such, but ok that not the point. anw he akin learning as to downloading software into a computer i.e. the computer doesnt know would have to be made known to it by downloading or installing the software. and the process of communicating this information is via usbs or wires etc. he correlated this to learning with humans having to download whatever info, maybe with the help of books and stuff but i think what he is trying to say is that wireless is better. haha. ok lame. but u get what i mean. i still can't remember the name of the philospher though, algazee..something. after that it was some interacting sessions with people of some sort and i didnt socialise, the usual anti social me.
then it was off to some studying which didn;t happen but i ended up at toa payoh central lib to read haruki murakami's sputnik sweetheart and later on when over to SPANs to meet up with a special someone for lunch, and it was banquet once again but this time it was la mian, think it's called da zhang la mian or something. damn nice! and damn worth it, first time i tasted la mian, thick wormlike noodles handmade out of flour and pulled and stretched into fine noodles. i hope the la mianer washed his or her hands though, cause i tasted the flour and he's pulling it with his bare hands and so maybe i also tasted the......ok never mind. what's nice was nice, right?
then it was off to serangoon for some studying, some girl was under the watchful eye of the father, possessive!
it was sentosa thenafter, we went with the intention to catch a glimpse of the sun setting, candy and i but there were clouds and it was post showers ok no thunderstorm is more apt, that we were only able to see those amber streaks and residual orange sunlight with the clouds superimposed onto it all the way into the horizon. at the foreground there were anchored ships, dull and rustic, creating some sort of a disgusting contrast to this almost (well definitely not perfect, in singapore it'll never be) acceptable local 'version' of the ideal sunset. but u dont have to be environmentaly anal to be spending time with someone, it's how u spend it that matters, i'll say. but who am i to say- i'm not some 14th century philosopher.
sentosa can be boring really esp when darkness falls, of course nothing to see, not that there's things to see in the first place! so we went driving round and round with the occasional- breaks!
then came monday. and the blues..... i decided to not go for ryans class lyrical that is. and i'm wanting to do more lyrical stuff in the future, boring or what, but i think it makes the movements more meaningful if u actually translate the words into choreography. and also to follow the footsteps of my current dance idols- from where else but so u think u can dance- melody, blake, kalimah!!, nick and craig!!
and monday was the day i made the decision not to choreograph for DR, no time for a lot of things. i'll just dance and keep myself busy many other ways. maybe i'll stop choreographing for now at least till something comes along the way and circumstances improve and the drive allows and maybe if i breathe in more motivation, i just might.
i'm late for tutorial now, this hospital room is getting dusty and getting to my nose.. aarrggh. the funny thing is i'm seated at the department of allergy, immunology and rheumatology.

2006-04-16T02:05:00.000+08:00

the zouk show just ended... i wished all shows were like this one..practice for one night 2 hrs and then crunch time on the day itself (wth stage run of course) just do all out. it's quite a great experience again haha i recalled doing the show for zouk reopening some time back in dont know when and the audience were like arms length and tonight it was closer they were like-let's see- a hand's length. and there was this old woman who keeps wanted to peck her lips at the guys dancing. i almost stuffed my mask- we were doing this ala victorian dance thingy with the costumes and all- into her lipstick drawn wannabe small mouth. she looked like rupaul. never mind. it was quite freaky anyway. calvn can attest to that... this zouk 15th anniversary thing was a success more or less in terms of organisation and deco. the interior was transformed into some 19 century mansion with those pictures you see hanging on their walls like in those scooby doo movies/cartoons and it was white gold and red. there were spinning doors and great lights and excellent crowd that kept cheering even though i forgot my steps but not so great music. i can never apprciate dance tracks.... well enough said...was not too bad an experience, can upload the pics la but i techno-igno...
i didn't realise i had a long weekend though..skipped school on thursday and end up having 4 days break..it's already the third day.who am i kidding it's already the forth....oh what the heck i need to study soon
speaking of which all the best to those nus and ntu students having their exams soon....dont screw up ur lives..or dabao module... campus lingua franca, kinda weird...
i need more clothes for postings and i need to start reading hardcore.. i mean read more.... i mean start enriching myself with medical knowledge.. damn everything turning out wrong...
went out with shiks and rohaidah the other day and talked about misbehaving school children and how to deal with them..anyone got any ideas? rohaidah could use some help....
study....

2006-04-11T01:26:00.000+08:00

neurology has started and as usual my enthusiasm lasts not more than one day and the rest of the posting it gets less and less till i slack. in fact i felt that already in day one. dr. lee told us that we can relax during this elective period- wish there were more tutors like that- and dedicated at the same time (he's spoonfeeding us like mad, messaged to tell us to bring empty CDR so that he can pass us his notes the whole stack!) whack! he's one of those eccentric tutors, i can tell...laughs at the stupidest jokes- loudly some more and has spice girls in his mp3 player which he proudly proclaims huh? i almost burst out laughing just now but what the heck, after the mini tutorial he told us we could go home.. and tht was like 3pm...yeah! night calls are not necessary, you can go home and read ur books (or go dancng!- yeah!). tom having a morning session with him in the wards, help us brush up technique. looking forward to observe his eccentricities.
tired......

2006-04-03T02:40:00.000+08:00

exams are over. the end of year four. one more to go and a lifetime to work. i wonder what age doctors retire. not even want to think about that right now. been doing too many shows of late, should do less and spend more quality time with frens and family. but dance is definitely like some ecstatic addiction, can't seem to let go, maybe cause there's so many more things to try. but there are other priorities nevertheless. anyway just ended campus superstar and the kids are crazy, i decided that i might be allergic to screaminh teenagers, they are like mentally ill hyenas. damn, it's beyond the glass breaking feat man... dont even know what to call it- earth shattering? got to choreo for DR this coming ?sept i think forgot already, but many others are doing it too, just too many to mention but i guess it'll be good, even juniors are doing....respect. points for courage and enthusiasms, we need more Blast! members like that, but then again if everyone choreo something then the concert will never end.....or maybe we can have item auditions then axe those not worthy (ok damn evil-sekali my one kena axe). spending the break dancing and reading stuff i wanted to read but never had the chance to but still not reading them, very tired nowadays espcially after the pathology paper which i BET will pull my overall grade down! for that i'll like to thank the bloody pathologists who set questions that were 'original' yet lacking specificity to the exam subject, so we studied heart, lung, pancreatic diseases but one bloody question came out on how to conduct an autopsy!! fair enough, but they didn't even teach us how to conduct an autopsy properly also....hmm.....speaking of which i am currently reading this book by swettenham called malay sketches about life in malaya back in 1880s-1890s and he was talking about this malay man who went 'amok'(ang mohs call it amuck cause they cannot pronounce it properly) and went on a killing spree, bla bla bla cut the story short he died in the end when someone tried to stop him and he bled to death under someone's kampung house and they did a 'bedah siasat' literally 'incision-investigate' in malay which means autopsy and the findings were tat of a deep cut to the fascia of the thigh which cause the bleedng probably via the femoral artery and brain findings revealed a 'stickier' right brain wrt left. what is that supposed to mean? and being an idiot i thought autopsies as opposed to anatomical academic dissections are a contemporary thing, little did i know, they even did it in malaya. i wonder how the colonialists convinced the local malays- who are devout muslims-to allow the body for forensic investigation(s)?
someone i know is getting forgetful nowadays, maybe stress la hor. i also a bit stressed. very bored la holidays. sometimes i wished things were not so clashy. everyone very busy.

slack

2006-03-25T03:42:00.000+08:00

i've been slacking. really. and watching whese dance videos on youtube is helping me to slack. freak! i just made it sound like a good thing. for this coming exams i have resorted to spotting questions- like i have always done for the past 4 years in med school. dammit. i was asking my friend the other day whether we should be studying red cell diseases and he said no cause it's not in syllabus. i was like "since when was something not in syllabus dude?" so i asked him," what do u do then if someone comes in with anemia etc etc dx as myelofibrosis?" he said,"refer to specialist la!"
anyway i didn't know what to reply. half-shocked and half-relieved, more relieved i guess for not having it included in exams, then again i didnt recall anyone giving us a proper lecture on that topic. maybe it's assumed we'll be picking it up along the way somewhere- maybe the exams mcq questions (i won't b surprised and everyones is it?-something new to learn somewhere, at least they included THAT in the objectives, bloody DO)- sometime..maybe after they tested it then they'll give us a lecture on it cause everyone did badly for the question(s). i'm supposed to be halfway through second round of revisions and i'm here whining about the state i am in, like what my batchmates do- sometimes all the time. i dont know why when medical students meet we keep whining about the stuffs at hand, the difficult postings, the evil tutors from this and that department of this n that hospital, etc. but then again sometimes i do that too, i'm not complaining actually, just a bit on the edge about the coming papers...100mcqs negative marking, 15 stations of pots and slides and 4 essays. at point when i'm like a bit worked up, i had to hear my seniors taking the mbbs finals talk about the warths of medical and surgical clinical and theory finals! and having exams on SUNDAY!! what?! i don't feel like doing mbbs finals already (whine some more). whaddaheck.
okok... i'm off to watch dance videos on youtube...
here's bob fosse's the aloof from rich man frug's which kena cut off like 50 secs into it but check out their postures....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZnFQvlb2OA&search=bob%20fosse
and some pseudo whacking, hip-hop-some-can-makeit-some-cannot-girls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRNzWyD7C9o&feature=Favorites&page=1&t=t&f=b
and one of the dance pieces from all that jazz..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNW7DrN1rsg&search=all%20that%20jazz

~slack~

2006-03-07T18:07:00.000+08:00

it doesn't help that i have exams coming up end of the month and there's 3 yrs of stuf to study and that there is so many things i wanna do. and have not been very productive too. i have an inertia problem and it's aggravated by the fact that i get distracted easily- point proven- look what i am doing now. and mr. robbins the pathology textbook is staring at me and all my untouched, unflipped, unread notes are giving me guilty looks of procrastination. there's so many things to read! i'll just spot qns i guess- wat's new.
many events and gossips about the happenings here and there got me thinking about people's bo chup-ness and apathy and that revealed some similarties between myself and them. somehow i feel that i have to have years to catch up with these things and sometimes i feel disengagement would be better but washing hands clean and evading unwritten responsibilities or rather, not helping out when u can with whatever resource u have could be well, irresponsible- to say the least. then again, i dont wanna get affected, but this thought antagonises the virtue of righteous altruism and therefore even if i dont do anything i get affected, cause i'll reminiesce, and sometimes i share peoples' sentiments, their predicaments having come from the same background and having gone through similar trials and tribulations, while for other experiences i just emphatise, not just actually, sometimes i add my own little opinions and be judgmental and all that- hey i'm human too k. despite that i still don't know what practical things to do. not even what to think of all these complexities of (cliche) human behaviour, and i wonder how those psychiatrist deal wit their lives after being bombarded with the turmoil of others.
then there's the relationship errr (segment?/section?/twist?) i dunno. and there's so many depressed people going around. i can't generalise depress people they are depressed for any diferent a reason, sometimes the trivialest ones like chipped my nails. but i know sometimes they try to cope, somehow and most times some pull through and move on. and as i said, things like these made me think too. of many things that could be depression inducing, in my life( well it's my blog ain't it?), which you won't know what and for somethings already here and part of ur life, u don't know when things are gg to happen and how. and that bit of uncertainty leaves u insecure and sometimes helpless, but u still think about it and it gets into a vicious cycle of feeding into it elements of hate, joy, sorrow everytime u recollect and well it sucks. sometimes u wish the world could do with a little bit more certainty and more consistency- when it comes to whatever. but then we'd be creatures with eyes to see, mouth the speak, tongues to taste, nose to smell, ears to hear, skin to touch but no brains to think. but at times i wished i hadn't think too much.

2006-02-25T02:54:00.000+08:00

my mother could contend against a beast regardless of physical size, intelectual capacity. the only beast that i don't like her to face is me. my own beast. i'm sometimes like a possessed being who gets driven, subconciously to doing or saying or acting, i would say some sort amateurish and immature. being my age sometimes is weird like having the ghost of a sixteen year old trapped within u and (taking over) control the faculties of rationality, something akin to that feeling of hormonal peaking in ur blood. most times she is nice and i accorded a similar return of gesture. though she is a capable exorcist, sometimes she gets into me more devils and friends of his. maybe her being antisocial and secretive as something to do with it. it feeds the mind a vicous cycle of thoughts- untamed, unfiltered, waiting to be released! and these become her weapon,like she's the warrior havng to fend herself off, from the perils of her life and our life of the everyday. maybe such chronicity transformed her. into that woman warrior that she has learned to grow into, not mere chance nor by choice but by my stubborness to accept extremities, with virtues of her own upbringing and me of my own. to her, her "american" children have no feelings and memory, n these hollow beasts, made her "crazy" in her own way, unknown to me or anyone- and this craziness could have been the role of someone else, for she made me afraid, really afraid when at times she says nothing, did nothing, as if i can hear herslam the door through that silence.
i would dream of vampires.

20.2.06

2006-02-20T01:57:00.000+08:00

nous apprenons des expériences, bon ou mauvais, et prise ce que vous voulez. parfois, vous denevez un hypocrite, un 'backstabber' et une chienne pour subir cette expérience.

anyway that aside i kinda liked zaini's choreo today. pseudo hip hop jazzified lyrical hip hop. his waves were so luigi-ed and there were like ten turns in 3 8s no shit. and i sweated like the alps! partly the reason why i was slowly regressing to the back of the room to avoid 'swinging' sweat onto the faces of people over on the other side of the room and also those dancing with me, i tried but still saw them flying off, like they are on some carouselic misadventure. eeks!

then it was the usual indecisiveness of couplism, someone ought to say," Jiu4 zhe4yang4 ba, bie2 zai4 san1xin1-er4yi4 le!" (oh i learnt that when practising writing the character er4). i realised i've been paparazzi-ed right under my nose, snapshots of moi-self caught in the act of ahem- reading!!

yesterday, had some class gathering and we were like trying to decide where to go to. and we sat in andre's place for like almost 1hr15mins trying to decide and the rest of my friends thought of so many places to go to to satisfy their culinary cravings, and everytime they suggested something 5 pairs of eyes would come shooting straight at me (i can almost imagine the wagging tongue and imminent yelp that's coming) and i would give them the "i-have-never-heard-of-that-place-face-in-addition-to-the-i-dont-think-it's-halal-look" and i felt bad. and they had t call tons of restaurants to ask whether or not they serve halal food. i was depriving my friends of exotic food, plus i dont eat seafood and my friends knew that since like college and they were like so that means, "Fish& co., Manhattan market place @ plaza sing, Marche......(the list goes on) is out of the question." i almost excused myself, was gonna think of something to get out of the way. but nope, they insisted. shucks.
so finally aftr so many calls and surprising u'd be flabbergasted that people over the other side of the phone don't know what "halal" food is or worse, someone question back," what's muslim? in response to do u serve halal muslim food?" blearggh. freaky eh? just makes u ponder about when people refer to singapore as urban chinese city state- malays and indians being invisible what more muslims? whatever.

tired again

2006-02-15T03:31:00.000+08:00

school was crap! yes... dr.singh gave us a lecture on limb lengthening, i mean huh? ok maybe i was interested cause i'm short! and if there was any reason for me to lengthen mylimbs and get taller, i would. but it'll cost me 80,000-130,000. where do u get the money?! hmm, that's not like i don't like my height now. in fact it's better being short, the bedside level allows for easy access to the patient, taller people like jega and etc can get chronic back pain and premature arthritis- bleargh.
then it was lectures on shoulder and knee- so freaking repetitive, cannot stand it man!!! whining.... give me a break.
then it was a trip to the pharmacy to get surgical tapes for my feet,cause they will help ease the pain from having dancesoles tat are freakin expensive, which'll make u go pensive then later get hypertensive- gosh i'm lame.
dance practice was not bad at least for juli's item who by the way keeps apologising btw. but shes been kind to us, so i must say thanks and thank gosh i'm not in FangQi's item, which has no guys in the item in the first place. she's a gd choreographer but she's a siren!!man she's loud, many manymore to learn.
juli's was not bad, save for some soulthat lookd with 'what'?
i just hate doing it many² times which is irritating

ok now really sleepy.......

tired tired tired

2006-02-10T00:57:00.000+08:00

i'm shag. it's been quite a while since these calves hurt, this mind tires n my shirt stinks! ok the last one's quite recent. today lynette, justin n i skipped a lecture, not before it started but DURING the lecture while the tutor was showing us medical students a patient n the signs that we were supposed to be able to pick up from the chronic carpal tunnel problem. in any case we left sneaking out of the room like cockcroaches exposed to light, and adding a slam of the door at da end of it. bam! the escapade brought us to marina square, where we watched i not stupid 2. which i thought was quite brilliant, how jack neo synthesises the normality of the everyday n things we take for granted or what we overlook into meaningful thought provoking experiences n marries these with his own brand of comedy, albeit cliche n i would say singaporean but nevertheless, something i can relate to and emphatise. but ya sometimes the degree of exaggeration can contort u into look of disgust and vehement reaction of the lame and extremely extreme, put it simply, it was good LAH.
then i was looking forward to marina thosai but hopes were shattered, like aiyah no point giving analogy. i have no comments.
then i was just dragging myself in and around town in the rain. lookin fr shoes but wantin nothing in particular just feel like buying one. itchy. but i very very choosy so won't want just any pair.
oh ya in orchard met all kinds of people and couples, some very ostentatious, some weird, some out of place but it's orchard u meet them all. the rich the poor the bad the good. whatever. so lame.
back in sch had dinner with a certain someone who i think is getting skinnier by the minute and whose been criticising my new found diet! i won't mention candy's name in this instance, but u noe. dont tell k?
n yeah talking bout the area behind LT11 which looks quite american college-y stuff u see in the movies like a beautiful mind, the exorcism of emily rose, etc but not quite cos it's like surrounded by buildings that look dilapidated and at the verge of coating itself with 100% rust with paint destroyed by acid rain, then comin down in pieces that might pollute the soil n strip the grasses beneath of it's dignity n green-ness.
then we were on the way to dance pract. it lasted 5.5 hrs, i almost died. mainly cause i thought it could be done faster, but i'm just so freakin impatient most times and my threshold for tolerating things' quite low. n i hate myself for imposin my views n overtly show tht i'm impatient, but i just had to do it, if not things would not move on, at least that's what i think, and also i did it cos i didn't care if i piss people off, someone has got to do it, i do all e time, it's bad i noe, i noe, but i did it, n i did it. sianz.. :(
when it ended it was 11.45, n i didn want 2 do anythin but just get home. still having my neck pain i don;t know whether it's muscle pain or joint pain, i hope it's not cervical spine subluxation. quite worried though woke up in the mornin with median nerve compression symptoms. tingling and parasthesia.
lookin forward to evo.

nothing much to say or do...........

2006-01-18T01:14:00.000+08:00

Book of the moment - kafka on the Shore (haruki MURAKAMI)

(staying among) ghosts

2006-01-06T15:45:00.000+08:00

it's cold here. and i'm greeted by ghosts. yellow ghosts. i'm reminded of maxine hong kingston. the way she details friday mornings in the american suburbs. except that this is not chinatown, california but a corridor where we meet but feel so far apart. i liken to many things i do in life. being with people with the same endeavours though never sharing commonalities. i go back to them ghosts. funny. they breathe the air, walk on the same pastel blue coloured cheap parquet, eat the same food. i wonder. whatever did they thought about me? if they knew we were worlds apart but we're here. like this ghost here sitting beside me, as i type and him chatting on msn probably with other ghosts he sees online. i wonder what is life like for him out there, wherever he belongs. that tingle, the shiver of curiosity running down my spine. i want to say something but i dunno, what these ghosts are thinking, they spook me out sometimes, a few of them already did. they go round demanding their rights in a foreign place. it is foreign and made more foreign. i caught 2 ghosts talking to themselves and i ponder about their verbal exchange. i told one of them i'm more gesturically interpretive than lingual. maybe that is why they don't move their hands. just like ghosts, floating effortlessly, in their own world and maybe ours, talking among themselves, and go scaring other people. i get suspicious. but i brush that thought away. i mean what can a ghost do right? they won't talk to you. but that is ok. they wouldn't go around frightening others right? would they? i am not afraid of ghosts. ok maybe those black ghosts, who go clucking their syllabi, and popping air from their larynx and freaking people out with the whites of their eyes. brr. again, maxine hong comes to mind, she ever mentions being a warrior chasing ghosts away from the town she calls home, and being abducted by beings that train her to drive ghosts away. she did just that 15 years later. or was it 20? i am not sure. but fighting ghosts is difficult i guess. there's ghosts everywhere and they come in diversity. maybe i think too much about these ghosts. maybe i need something, like some kind of reassurance that these ghosts are, well, ok. i am not sure. i can't be certain. i'll try though. not fight like what maxine did. communicate. dinner will be served at 20.15. i'll try then.

29.12.2005

2005-12-29T01:34:00.000+08:00

Pat's choreo was great just now. i swear Ruskel has something to do with him having to think of all the funky steps. and now a bit of random thoughts. i love Chris Brown's Yo clip, the sequence along the pavement's cool and very black! i like! had weird dream about "friends" letting go of my hand in front of parents, chalet located at the top of a freaking hill, and duh stuff on th motorbike. oh just now, celia and michelle were the anti-bike campaigners! tehy bribed me with chng teng and peach desserts to get their point across, as well as toy with candy's psycho. like wassup.......got a few prezzies i love them all (really and not rolling eye or crossing fingers) and oh ya if anyone wants to help me tie wrist thingys pls lemme noe.
just sitting away at NUH just now was ala Allure's Lately (an apt song except that Killin me softly was playin in my head instead)! Homeward bound (374 then tamp) was listening to mp3 and some drunkard board the bus and sat behind me and kept banging his head on the sit. i know he doesn't want to drive but hey take the cab la! and 2ndly drunk on WEDNESday? hmm.ok maybe he's depressed or something, but still.....
i will try to be nice and not overtly sarcastic, i will try to be nice and not overtly sarcastic......
and i'm in love with tina arena's 'aimer jusqu'a l'impossible' and Cornielle's 'comme un fils'.
hmmm let's see parfois j'aime des choses pour aucune raison and i told someone you don't need a reason for things that you do. vous aimez.
and yes i'm having mandarin lessons with wo de nu peng you and she keeps laughing. hmmm.... watch it!
ok i go retire now, damn tired.

i stop trying to remember

2005-12-21T15:20:00.000+08:00

i stop trying to remember the scenes___

_______nail pricking visuals_____

_the pain of glowing ember on your

skin____________constant__

as if time aggravates (not heal)

___i'll(never) understand__

with my empty bowl- i swallowed thin air_

__________________to satisfy my

insatiable hunger____________

i grazed the coarse sand_______(not) with my

knees (but my heart)_______to render my

family's desperation____________

with bruised sympathy______i challenged

the living______the living that sustain

the dead_________the irrelevant

i told you i love you did i_______i love all

of you___but with the dead you drink

differently__________please try

to understand____what i do not

say i still mean; the sound

of black drowns

the other

words

out.

november night

2005-11-30T01:26:00.000+08:00

listen......
with soft sound
like faint steps of passing immortals
the wind, numbing, seeps into my room
and blows.

2005-11-28T00:41:00.000+08:00

that's it i can't study at home. there's just so many things to do. the multi purpose X-box already is a freaking distraction. cable tv. food in the fridge. kids screaming under the void deck in the morning (nursery kids), in the afternoon (school kids now on holidays), evening (school kids playing soccer cursing one another's mom and dad- yes it's very disturbing u know...) and at night (school kids who don't go to school even during term time). i just had a shower and i feel like sleeping. there's a test tom at freakin 7.30am! late and u'll get zero. and it's not as if the stupid test is easy, u might spend like 1.5 hrs travelling there and scoring the equivalent of not being there to take it, well at least u got there (who am i kidding!) arrghh. freak it.
actually, this posting is coming to an end soon like 3 more weeks and then i have a 2 week break. nothing much to look forward to anyway cause there's nothing much one can do in the 2 weeks! think i'll burn it by studying and dancing and chiling and picking up some language (another who am i kidding!). oh oh oh i forgot haha..watched bob fosse's all that jazz and woah it's like one of the better broadway thing i've ever watched. actually i've only watched 3 bleargh. or maybe four if u consider mary poppins to be broadway (who am i kidding?) the idea behind the story is great man. i like i like i like. recommend people to watch. and we're doing broadway now in jazz class. rusman always tells us to imagine we are on stage and ready to be overwhelmed by the crowd and when the music plays the intro he will say things ala broadway...like "imagine the possiblities..." etc. so imaginative.
anyway what's been happening after this long time. quite some things lah. lots of practices for the World Cyber Games (WCG) and we won the competition, i've never felt my lungs stressed as much before, it was really stamina drenching but it was worth the effort.
then the post-mortem came and we draw many different conclusions as to the progress, the rules of engagement, the priorities, etc. you guys did great!!
oh oh oh, just now was in ballet class with all the rest of the advanced people. i feel like a spastic chicken, how the heck do they do it so fast and don't get tired. i think anthony needs to revise the music man...gosh...and those china dudes from china (duh) they are like better than the bets girls! woah!! i know...good shit eh? i don't think i'll be going next week my body will ache. la la la.
i've been tryin to get a hold of the april snow OST's theme song,damn nice can but cannot find!! anyone?
right i guess i'll get back to mugging @ full speed.

the coming of age

2005-11-01T03:07:00.000+08:00

crawl in and feel the darkness wrap
around the hair ends
standing
as you stare into the scarlet
emptiness
and the beaming black
blinds you in return
scream and hear the ridged
hollow
and deny it as illusory
displacement of the everyday
reach out and taste the acrid
images of reality
and reflect death
on the countenance of the now
shattered rose-coloured glasses
go deeper and smell the
necrotic asylum of sorts
and attempt to
disregard that tingling sensation,
that visual disturbance,
that contracting candle
the heat that awaits.

blogging

2005-10-19T15:55:00.000+08:00

Blogging makes you crack your head for things to write.
Blogging makes you cry, shout, burst in bouts of neverending anger, reading others' entries.
Blogging allows you to get to know people better.
Blogging sometimes is much better than hanging out at the mama shop late at night sipping cup after cup of tea.
Blogging is for the anarchist or the plain bored.
Blogging makes me pig myself in front of the computer screen.
Blogging is slowly killing my eyes, sagging the lenses.
Bloggin gets you frustated when you lose 45 minutes of endless typing.
There need not be a reason for blogging. Then again there are many reasons not to blog.
Blogging comes with responsibility and moderation.
Too much blogging ain't good for health. Too much extreme views whilel blogging ain't good for the readers' health. For blogging can cause you to get a heart attack for the failed heart. Blogging can get you into trouble for blogging or for hurting other bloggers. Blogging can get you free accommodation in the nearby jail. Sad.
Just blogging!!

A reaction

2005-10-19T01:47:00.000+08:00

I am supposed to be doing my project or mug for my O&G posting that is round the corner. But I don’t know, it seems like I have things or issues to talk about. Nah…. not relationship stuff. I love my girlfriend so very the much! But stuff that people take for granted.
Like for instance nowadays it seems so hard for Muslim to be a Muslim without being subjected to scrutiny and pre-judgment. It also seems that those who are not muslims perceive muslims to be people who carry guns, have their own weird beliefs, have 4 wives and 16 children who are brats and will grow up to be terrorists and give birth to 16 more. Those culpable are not inclusive nor are they exclusive; I am just drawing a picture of what I see in general. The questions I get from friends, the news I see on BBC, CNN, CAN etc, and the evidence of acts of my fellow (under)-educated Singaporeans. More so this is MY reaction to the recent local misappropriation of the so-called notion of freedom of speech of the cyber world that we assumed to be legislatively immune!
Sometimes remarks made do not actually reflect the actual situation nor does it satisfy the requirements of a coherent balance remark as always the case with anything meaning, it doesn’t include the “that being said…..” part!
So this doesn’t have to be about religion or a focus on Muslims alone, but I think the universal worldview of Islam and Muslims among non-muslims (unless of course you are Osama bin Laden or Mr. Al-Zarqawi) is that through the distorted lens of terrorism. People choose to look at the abnormalities in the society and not the normal majority. But somehow for Islam this vulnerability that it is being subjected to seems to stem from this phenomena of representation. Ok what the hell am I talking about right? Representation? In a way, Muslims seem to represent Islam more when the minority misuse it, so called in the name of Allah. This is in contrast to the Ireland’s IRA or the Sri Lankan Tamil tigers. Their profile is definitely religious, Catholics and Hindus, but what makes them different from us Muslims. Why is it that we are subjected to more discrimination, more media attention etc? All three have a common struggle but what is it. For the Catholics and Hindus above, theirs are that of nationalism. Eh? So you mean those Muslims are not for political struggles also? Answer: depends on geopolitics. However sadly to say, differential distinct geopolitical profile has turned or worse transformed into a generalized universality, that would be difficult to change. The struggles of Osama and JI terrorists are self-proclaimed to be a JIHAD for Muslims in the name of God. And the world knows about it when bombs go off and those responsible raise their voices to announce their atrocious acts that they deem worthy of martyrdom. And they speak on behalf of us.
That is why the majority moderate Muslims are encouraged to speak out against such atrocious acts. These are one of those times where passivity means we agree or approve or worse we become passive accomplices in the cause of these minority bigots. However that said (note this usage) there are Muslims who believe that there is no point in speaking up. The local newspaper columnist Asad Latif mentioned in his address at the Muslim Convert’s Association early this year in his analysis which I quote,” familiar argument…no need to be apologetic about terrorism by Muslims when other faith communities have not cried themselves hoarse over terrorist attacks carried out by the IRA or Tamil Tigers.”
But he also rightly counter-argued this comment by saying that the reason why other communities are not speaking is they know the reason behind these atrocities, which are politically driven rather than religiously motivated. So I guess unless a Muslim thinks and agrees that the what the Al-Qaeda says about themselves struggle in the name of God, then I guess Muslims MUST speak up against. Similarly, in the case of blog bigotry, I guess we too, should speak up, so that we can help clarify and educate.
At the end of it, I do belief that no one is born a terrorist nor intolerant. These are inculcated values and attributes that are seeded, grow and ingrained over years of indoctrination. It does not cultivate in a vacuum. So yah maybe the problem is with the identification of ROOT causes. Just like medicine, to treat someone is to offer him symptomatic treatment, to CURE him is to identify the root cause and treat appropriately. This applied; it is not esoteric or complicated to try to identify the root problem as to their actions. To give an example, some time in May or June this year, there was the Saudi American Embassy bombings. Why would they want to bomb a group of Americans who are helping the country build up their oil industry? What have these foreigners done? Could there be a political motive behind these attacks or is it REALLY a problem of religious intolerance? Even so that doesn’t quantify as a religious cause for the simple reason that religious education or education for that fact aims to produce people who are ultimately wise and tolerant. Otherwise, it would be the antithesis of its objective!
What I am trying to say is that Islam should not be used as a means to rationalize terrorist acts. And Muslims, as individuals and as members of the global community, are humans too. We embrace the values of compassion, neighborliness, justice, we listen to music too be it Bach, Vivaldi, we study 16th century English literature seriously too, we grow in peace, work, go to bed at night, eat and play. Muslims also think.
Finally Mr. Latif says at the end of the speech which I summaries my long windedness, “...there are causes and there is terrorism. What I am saying is that Islam should not be used to link the two.”

a comment

2005-10-18T02:49:00.000+08:00

have been a few past performances in the recent weeks since teh last time i wrote. the preparation for the next wave was packed with razor bitching sessions, endless political struggles of the underclass, the vicous malignancy of uncontrolled outbursts and its side effects, the aftermath of horrible dance rehearsals, the unwelcoming unrelenting exudation of viscous ego, the senseless repetition of steps and the dreaded hours of time better used! what's worse towards the emancipation came remarks of deconstruction it's like setting up the skeleton of the building only to have it destroyed by a tongue. in an attempt to construct in whatever interest or whatever form of psychology, i think it'll do justice if one applied a judicious method of analysis and not mere physical form. i am not out here to critisise the breadth of experience and choreographical acumen and sensitive interpretation of movement, expression(feeling from the inside, which i understood more reading one paragraph from a website than having 5-10 people trying to explain to me, in the end getting more confused and flustered and left to feel hopeless-thanks luigi!) and articulation but merely in the context of it's delivery, which can be approached more systematically and productively, in a way that points the strength and weakness with the attempt to not destroy n reconstruct as in the building analogy but to work on what has already been worked on. similarly, i personally feel that the politicking in dance is nonsense shit, pardon my blunt-ness. but i don't know the objective of dance to some. personally it's about knowing and exploring movements in one's body that can translate to meaningful vocabulary for people to understand, at the same time to develop my skills in adaptibility to different genres, technique that not only helps in strengthening the body but also help me to understand the reason why my body moves a certain way it does, in a way, developing a tangible understanding of the limitations of the human body, which need not be physiologically or academically explored. a local dance, Michael Sim, correctly attributes dance into three aspects that complements one another. he mentioned that dance comprises of knowledge, technique and feel/groove/others etc. allow me to personally apply my limited knowledge i attempt to pass judgement in this matter.
knowledge encompasses knowing what u are doing. without knowledge. the rest doesn't fall into place. it doesn't even make sense. however, it is not necessary. some people say knowledge is an adjunct to movement esp when it comes to dance i.e. it becomes cumbersome to know. i admittedly acknowledge my ignorance in dance history, terminology, its significance what have nots. but i think it's quintessential. not only it helps one to appreciate dance better, it may also be an impetus for further development. besides, knowledge of dance will help in technique development. Aristotle said,"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." i think time spent in educating oneself about dance is worthwhile especially if ur interest is there, when u are young, focused and commitment-free. i quote another local dancer, Syed Hamzah, who tells me,"think about it!" on a more personal note, i encourage those people who are dance enthusiast to get dance education albeit miniscule. it helps to create dancers who are dance educated and not mere monkeys who dance and don't know what they're talking about half the time. i feel guilty!
with regards to technique, ah-hah, seems to be getting full circle already it seems. ok not quite. i think to develop technique one has to have 1)discipline 2)enthusiasm 3)openness 4)good habits 5)good genes 6)time and money. of course this list is non-exhaustive but i derived this out of personal experience- not that i have much of it in the first place.and as usual comments are welcomed for what anyone thinks contributes to technique development. but essentially, i think the root of developing technique can be summarised into the 1st point about discipline. the good thing i see from singapore dancers is their determination to persevere, not all, not some, but most! I guess whatever genre one does, the technique is important. Again i quote from the jazz dance innovator, who candy and i find extremely inspiring, Eugene Facciuto a.k.a Luigi, "if u keep doing things RIGHT long enough, they'll get better right, But if you keep doing things wrong long enough, they'll feel right, WRONG!" some concepts are difficult i have to say, i'm struggling myself in jazz and hip hop but needless to say if i put the right attitude in maybe i'll get better or worse! in addition i think it is important that we as dancers learn from someone who is experienced in that genre of dance. sure....of course you can d/l tonnes of online videos, copy them and make them ur own, show it to ur friends and they blindly follow, not knowing their risking their physical entity. my point is when it comes to execution, your teacher is your best mirror,not the mirror you see on the wall! i guess that's my reason for putting money in limiting factor 6! true dance is expensive for the some of us, but it's worth it. i mean, unless u are michael sim, who i congratulate for his undying, unvarnished spirit for emphasising knowledge and proper technique, presentation etc, dance teachers need to pay PUB bills also! Besides, knowing to do things right also helps to minimise injury to the body. we dance to enjoy ourselves, not to kill ourselves. i guess at the same time technique should come with a little understanding of the dance anatomy and physiology. the only person i know who does that, other than teachers in LaSalle SIA, NAFA or Odyssey Dance theatre, is Peter Teo.
After much nonsense about technique and knowledge, the realm of much controversy and much of where the nonsense of whose right and wrong when u don't know wat the hell you are talkign about urself takes place! The 'feel/groove/etc' is much debatable. so whose right? what should locking look like? you should feel this way doing this..not that! i get these things all the time. people who explain so-called mechanisms without the theory! personally, i think, lest u are dancing in a group or doing some contemporary shit, it doesn't matter how one really feels so long as you enjoy yourself, again, Mr. Luigi says," It is the rhythm of the body and the feeling.....when dancing you must not intellectualize. forget about yourself. for right now you are not you- you are tuning up your body...." This does not apply to jazz only. in fact it applies to hip hop e.g. krumping, locking, robot etc. i guess simply put technique is the summation of knowledge and technique that translate into meaningful movements and feel is the externality that provides for sensible expression and interpretation.
i hope to have put a lot of things into better light. but somehow i think it has not resolved the issue of what i would term political dancing, which blatantly i am experiencing first hand. some of the dancers i know have the wrong attitude and approach to dancing, which contradicts the purpose of dancing in the first place. some of the dancers i know have skulls so thick, i swear it's made of pure ego!
then there's this thing about comparing yourself and others, which i have to address. it's not wrong, for me personally, cause i am setting a benchmark for myself, whatever or whoever it is. but sometimes it gets excessive and unnecessary. i believe if you want to dance and be better or excellent, challenge urself and see how u do, not by (passively or actively) challenging others.
i have a lot to learn from dance. i try to experiment, imitate, develop my own style and educate myself, a little a day. Someone told me- i forgot who," good dancers are good observers." i strongly concur and i encourage dancers to open up their senses when dancing and learning. it's not rocket science nor neuroscience. it's just using what u have! that being said, there are many studies i read that try to study the factors that affect one's dance development.
However,would they even matter if the seeds aint for the right tree?

2005-10-06T01:23:00.000+08:00

time is precious. of late, precious time has been slipping thru my fingers like grains of fine minute sand that upon leaving gets blown away into the neighbouring vicinity of concrete and just goes to waste.

recently, i embraced nonsense, loved the sunkissed durians, enjoyed the background noise of middle road, craved for intellectual stimuli, collected clasted fragments of superficiality, reasoned my ignorance, centrifuged logic into esoteric sediments. all these in quality time.

in this space of time too since i last wrote in i encountered the multifacet society with the emancipation of idoits, the bigotry of masses, the paradoxical eccentricities of life and death and the in-betweens, the altruistic persuit of individual narcissism, i get confused.
i don't know whether to love or hate. are they writings or mirrors on the wall?

T.S.

Dedication

2005-09-24T01:48:00.000+08:00

Three months,
surrealness looms and love still blooms.

6 fantastic fornights of experience
shared joys, mixed feelings, hearty laughters
accidental bloops and brazen
outbursts.

the 12 weeks that flew...
so fast i thought
time stopped everytime...u and i and me and you and u and me....
and how i grew fat and wrinkled and
sprouting eyebags and white hair and the countless
migraines and headaches. how sometimes we endured
the unrelenting swings of mood and overcoming
unnecessary polarities that u and i and you and me.....
can go by without.

the 84 days that was blissfully ignored
by circadian memory, for preoccupation with anterograde
constructions, physical distractions and wordly
obsessions.
I keep special moments fibrosed;
immortalised...for recall and
sweet extraction.

2016 hours of business and pleasure, of communication,
interactions, where at times the orbit swells,
tissues overwhelmed
where shoulders weep and you and i and me and you....
speak, not keep.

120 960 seconds of knowing you are still there and here
and here and there
and seconds keep counting......

2005-09-17T01:01:00.000+08:00

time; 1am. i just got back from first night of dance reflections a few hours ago, no one hour ago. the performances: superb. the crowd: a bit dead. i didn't get the reinforcement from those watching. thence, most of the hitting and locking and forced ferociously fake smile and mouth opening teeth showing saliva dropping and sucking it back up act was all on my part, collectively on the lockers part. i saw the look on san thit's face, a mix of apprehension and excitement but she did well. i made some subtle, recoverble mistakes, if not for the stupid suspenders, which by the way i last minutely decided to loosen so that my pants don't look like it's one of those shrunk wrinkled pants waiting to explode by the time i get on the floor with the American split. and the dance Whores! my favourite part, probably cause my favourite girl was dancing too, a bit far to the left side of the stage but i can still see with my now not so perfect eyesight! and guess what i heard? rumour has it she dances like a 'n--ger'! a chinese n--ger! hmm..a Chinkger? alright, getting lame there.
well i thought that despite all the usual forget steps and everyone enjoying themselves and the occasional mis/displacement from ur i-have-already-marked-stage-but-still-people-forget-their-positions, which i don't understand, i didnt feel like dancing dancing u know. ok maybe u don't but yah.... maye its the audience! damn audience!! what the hell, tom will be better i hope. the people in Suntec will definitely resonate proportionately..again i hope! don't wanna waste moi efforts, and the rest of course. tom i'm supposed to be doing the curtain call thingy to replace pat which won't be there cause he's judging Suntec. i hope i don't screw it, already on the day we performed for thumboo i forgot and all the choreographers forgot to get on stage (that part was unrehearsed)! never mind.
i was readng Newsweek and Today newspaper on the way to school and at home respectively and the main themes running in my head is awareness, which is what print media (10% of it at least, the rest 90% are ads) wants to achieve. that plights of people locally or globaly are real and that they affect us all, like it or not. that their suffering is ours too. over in this part of the world, we can't do much for others suffering out there (maybe one day we can) but we can spread love and passively raise awareness to those close to us, maybe they have connections who can indirectly or directly offer a hand. i believe most people believe in the concept of a community. and if they do then we are also responsible for those who suffer. ok going into the sappy zone, ok better get out.
and recently there's this hype about bloggers and their opinions. i would like to add something. i think bloggers should be responsible enough for whatever they post on their blogs and at the same time know that there's no absolutism in the the expression, ' freedom of speech'. just had to say, not say i want to say but i'll say and i did just say so paisey! ok whatever......
medical update: haha...on my postings lah. going to do forensic patho for 2 weeks starting monday and starting theology classes this Sunday! (wait....that's not medical) right.....
for those who just bumped into this blog, u still have chance to get tickets and watch DR (details in previous blog)!! and tell me if u're coming. i was surprised zahdan was there.. i mean he came to support Ilsa as well....appreciated.... time: 1.31am. activity: stoning soon

over-loaded

2005-09-12T01:10:00.000+08:00

after so long i finally decided to type something into this dormant blog. currently busy as hell. in the middle of dance productions and there's like tons or rehearsals. it's a bit irky when u have to let go of passion and dance for the sake of pleasing the people u dance for. not that it's not worth it. but the manner could be different somehow. i mean people have expectations, yes sur they do, but we have dancers with different styles and groove and technique and feel etc, so we can't expect everyone to be equal. and another thing, how do u know that someone hasn't put in 101% in the item? good question. no answer but just assumptions. we assume that sometimes if the person doesn't do what they are "required" to do then they are not doing it full out. aiyah, so many things cause this mah! so whatever the heck. nowadays i get by all these demoralising stuff by applying the omega listening method, get the gist not the emo part. i realise sometimes people say things out of emotions and not out of rationality - i'm guilty of that too! but for other people who get that from me, i don't know what strategy they apply but yes, they survive or not. i was told from a friend that i made another fren cry while preparing for a certain performance. i didn't know that. but i'll guess i'll have to learn from these experience too. dancers are human too. they are already faced with the impending possibility of physical demands of choreography and technique. and imptly dancers have feelings too, although sometimes they might do better showing it while they are dancing than while they're not. and yes, tehy make mistakes!! even during performance! i guess dance demands one to be a perfectionist in a way. i.e. u wanna look good? you better work your ass so that u won't melt and sink into the stage hoping you don't die of embarassment once u made a mistake! hah!! sometimes i admit, it's crazy lah this dance thingy. but the satisfaction out of it is rewarding for me at least. politics and shit happens. regardless of passion, regardless of anything. it's how we manage shit!!
now doing ENT posting, not very fun. it's a very sticky and wet posting! dealing with disgusting noses, ears and throats! yes. eww!! and i realise that despite being one of the richest people in the country, these ENT surgeons can also be one of the bitchiest. maybe cause they don;t have that much patients to see and operations to do that they decide to work on something else. some do art, so do golf, one DOES bitching! i wont mention any names. teh last week has been hell and boring!! at least for hospital posting! i thought i learned more from the books than from patients. then again the dean would say," seeing patients is a privilege." besides we medical students pay $128 dollars a day to get to do postings in hospitals. so might as well!
this year will have to study extra hard. patho!!! arrgghh....
[dance-again!] Well if anyone is interested to catch dance reflections this coming week over at NAtional UNiversity Singapore's University Cultural Centre (UCC) on 16 and 17th september at 7.30pm, do inform me yah! tickets are priced at 11, 13 and 16 (S$).
Missing some people.....sian...

insomniac

2005-08-30T04:21:00.000+08:00

i can't sleep. maybe cause my biological clock is accustomed to sleeping early in the morning. stupid circadian cycles! so instead of lying in bed staring at the ceiling i decided to do something productive. no not study (why that?) not read (why bother?!) but surf the net. Then i realised that i might be better off in bed cause i'm not doing something productive here too. but since i'm already here, i might as well.
oh man..there's a cat at my window at 4.15AM?! what the heck is it doing here....brb....
ok cat is gone. man...at first i was freaking out cos my window is directly behind me and i hear these 'sounds'. and then my window grill starts to make 'noises', i was like turn turn turn.....and then, i thought it was someone in tudung!! (the bloody cat was white furred!! arrgghh) when i focused there it was. staring at me and me at it. "Oi!!" and it leaped out of sight! ph(m)ew!!
was studyin in the ghettos today, the heartland and got my bout of rhinitis and itchy and running nose. i have a feeling i'm falling sick again. nevertehless, being with hotgirl21 never fails to unwind me. always a new experience for me. always something new. e.g. pre-sneezing facial expression! haha. oh yah. the rendang over at banquet toa payoh stall 13 is amazing. the beef so tender lah! will definitely go back there again. wanted to eat OCK but turns out i'm not in very good terms with him. maybe that's why cannot sleep --> kempunan (craving).
i have an 8am ward rounds later and it's already 4.23. i don't think i'll go for it. think i'll spend the morning preparing for the test at 4. OSCEs. Hope they are not out to kill. i heard this posting accounts for 1%-2% of the final MBBS. Slack sua.......
maybe i should start on my case write up. CRVO. must find evidence!! damn these ophthalmologists.... jut contradicted my previous statement...
on a different topic altogether, has anyone ever wondered where the heck in Singapore can one lepak (chill, hang out)? Cos i can't. There's concrete everywhere!
gonna digress again..... so i think i'll just go do something else. sigh* still not sleepy........i just popped chlorampheraine. it doesn't work. the next i go to my aunt's place, i'll steal some benzodiazepines!!! hehe*

2005-08-28T02:16:00.000+08:00

just realise, no not just realised but know, the bitching capabilities of some people. And they call me queen bitch! I gotta give it to someone else. Ok there's so many rehearsals coming up for DR and Next Wave. So tom gonna be the first official tech class for Ensemble...haha don't care i hope will gain something out of it!
today's been great. went for practice with Pat. Cleaners lockers and girls doing jazz and krumpers? i wanna do jazz piece. nvm. i'm supposedly locking but just now i got the drunken man role. the choreo was good man. i'm still amazed by patrick's ability to spontaneously choreograph! anyway, looking forward to the whole picture. must be great with the alumni and all.
afterwards went for the suntec dance prelims. the teams not bad! i wanna learn new school hip hop!!!! whack, skin, etc! wah tonight was girl power night. most of the girl teams were great! solos not bad too. i think it provides good exposure. that 11 yr old malay boy with the michael jackson grooves is going to be next dance idol! gosh, he's damn funky can?! i left the place astounded by unremixed team! they are damn powerful can?! shitz man. breaking and dancing combined...jaw dropping..eye opener.
then went for rehearsals. the style is totally different. hamzah decided he wanted to do 'funk' for his guys part! i'm like what!!! funny. my bodily motions are still accommodating to his style. alot of rib cage movement. seems like Jean like that. lucky he didn't include whacking!!
my lips are getting drier by the minute.
sigh....i keep sighing nowadays. maybe i should include that as a favourite pastime.
i'm sure many share my sentiments when i say this.
I HATE PUBLIC TRANSPORT!

shrubs can be canopies too

2005-08-27T03:32:00.000+08:00

Life does damage to the living\our fault?\i hate the smell of lifeless emotions\the sound of death\and the mere thought of it freaks me\it adrenalinises me\and the incomprehensibility of the many fears me\i love the schizoid for their exclusitivity\but i hate their complexity\living does damage to the lives of people\they don't know it\or maybe have yet to realise\like a cumulonimbus precipitating acid\like planting weed in a paddy\living does damage to those who don't fit in\paying for their innocence\passive protests\against hearts of concrete\jaundiced minds and those seeing but blind\love does damage to those loving\when it cannot transcript and translate\when it cannot manifest and relate\when u lose even if you rationally debate\it liquifies before it evaporates\love does damage to those who love\the other dove dies of stroke\when cells react when they are provoked\like canopy over the rainforest
shrubs\perhaps one day\shrubs can be canopies too.

2005-08-26T12:41:00.000+08:00

Pappadum is ober. Pinally we hab sometink to look porward to man..like dance replections!!! they were saying that they might hab the our first rehearsal this saturday. that's pucking early right? but need to keep momentum going i guess?
sigh......
everyone's work is piling up. sigh some more.
and it sick to know that u hab to be where you are supposed to be at 730 in the marning!! i missed this marning class. deliberately. c'mon i can't hab pun last night meh. think my prens in my CG are going to strangle me por passing all the work to them!
plus i am sick again!
my immune system is waning. not pair. i'm not that old! sigh eeben more. i peel like pulling out this nose that's running like niagara. and this migraine that's thumbing like a stomp band. thanks to late night rehearsals (Pappadum). i'm sure many enjoyed. Nam Leng was telling about the acuteness of the whole story. i was trying to explain the chronicity of it. she didn't get it. aiyah neber mind.
i have to give it to the Jazz Band people esp, they waited the longest, carried the heaviest of equipment and sitting down waiting for the cold to invade. and the Blast people complain the most! the irony of things.
talking about ironies, i was reading newspaper about the medishield/medisave thingy. it's an irony that the govnt want us to put money into the medisave so that we can pay for our hospitalization (if any, CHOI!) but they don't want singaporeans to be hospitalised, cause might strain health care (preventive medicine). so we save for what? mayeb should let us use medisave for other preventive health related purposes or just let those poor people with diabetes use it for their daily medication. if u wanna wait for them to get hospitalised b4 u allow them to use it, then a bit too late right? No wonder we are straining the health economy.

break from the books

2005-08-15T16:36:00.000+08:00

i'm supposed to be studying now. but i'm stoning. so i decided that that was a waste of time. so i unstoned and decided to write(type) an entry. right now. my muscles are aching from non-stop dancing. blast! and ensemble. damn tiring can. i didn't know that the tech classes were so demanding! arrggh. now i feel like a pregnant woman. damn.then came the pas de deux! my wrists almost gave way. but i still smiled. i can't help but kacau rozana. that girl so kacau-able! ok sentosa was fun. baking and crusting until it's too late and teh next thing u know u are scorching! red red red. ouch! yup that's what happened. poor me. go again next week. this time i stay in the shade....;p it seems weird to me that i feel none of the joy and anticipation for pappadum. maybe cause the rest of the dancers can't be bothered too. call me sensitive. i don't know, maybe i'm expecting too much. somehow the blast! people are like hhhmmm what shall i say....ok i can't find the word and my mind is thinking of diagnostic criteria for HSP. shit! there's a test tom at KK. i hope the tutors are nice. i really hope so. ok better go back now.

2005-08-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

being sick creates a certain sort of vacuum in your life. that space where everything in you stops. and everything else moves along. it's a common sight in the wards of the local hospital. from the benign cases of someone with exaggerated attack of cough and wheezing to the extremes of a child being sick with nephrotic syndrome, or worse acute lymphocytic leukemia with <6 months prognosis. still despite this spectrum, everyone experience illness differently. from interpretation of symptoms, to doing something about that symptom, to wanting suffering to end, to even want to die for having suffered so long etc. why people behave the way they do sometimes you cannot comprehend, when u understand the logic of inaction or action or reaction. i was reading some article in Life! section today about one of the audiences during a busking items put up by a local theatre group, who was unconvinced that Aids CANNOT be spread through Saliva. aiyah! if i were the buskers, i'd knock him unconcious! it's heartaching can, there people are trying to tell you that there are people out there (scientists and researches) who take pains and even devote their lifetime trying to search medcial evidence through a series of taxing trials and studies just for a plain simple fact that HIV does not spread through oral secretions, and at the other end of the world someone goes," really?!"
never mind that. imagine seeing these people everyday in hospital. i once told this man that taking steroid puffs for his asthma would do him good in the long run as it will decrease his airway sensitivity from whatever that's provoking him. he brushed it off as saying it doesnt work. he's regularly warded for acute exacerbation of asthma. i have no comments! my jazz teacher told me when i was talking to him about life and stuff. he asked me wha is it that i want to do after i get my medical degree. i said maybe do a post-grad training in a certain specialty. he asks ultimately for what? i was caught for a while. ok why am i going to study so hard for? after staring at the mirror in the dance studio for a while, i said maybe i waould want to contribute back to society some day. he said. that's good, that's impressive and noble. but personally i think it's quite taxing. trying to give back to society sometimes can be heartbreaking and not be fruitful for yourself. my mind was racing as he spoke. i didn't know whether to be angry or how to feel or react to that. i mean i was there thinking hey how could you say such a thing. this society gave me my idiosyncracies, my thoughts, it moulded a part of me, it gave me space for my personality and it gave me friends and family, it also gave me security- even if i don't ask for it. so what's wrong?
but before i said something i listened.
he mentioned that at times u tax yourself for no reason trying to give back when no one appreciates it sometimes. maybe for your case, it would be for a medical cause. only some would listen maybe some would not. and you try to push it till you crack or maybe u won't push it. either way you'll ask yourself. what is wrong with the way i do things? why can't i get my message or intentions across? why is there so much diversity in the way people think and do things? and u get frustated. i have.
i thought some more. maybe he ran out of patience. or maybe he lost the will to keep up with the demands of society (whatever that may be). or he just thought he might be better off contributing somewhere else, that's if, after all the exhaustion he still was able to muster enough strength to do something.
so i asked him, what do u think that?
i've seen and experienced it first hand. maybe u have also someway or another. if not you'll see.
i was starting to think maybe it was a product of him thinking to much about doing that. but maybe he wanted me to see that if u wanna do something, there's got to be a meaningful attachment, not just senseless helping around. so i thought of the many instances of mutuality that connected us in this aspect. true! there were numerous instances. and many of which i disliked the experiences. for they were attempts at futility, or u dont see the end of it, or you don;t see the point to it, or worse u get scolded for ur samaritan intentions. so i got it back to myself, i think too much sometimes too. if not good, then it's to my detriment. then i envision scenarios of pathological proportions and i snap back into the conversation.
so what did u do instead? i asked, now not out of curiosity but blantant pretence of wanting to know.
he said, i just helped myself.
bleargghh.
ok so that may not have been very helpful. but the point he was trying to make maybe was why spend so much time trying to impress upon other people ur virtues of goodness and need to outreach and stuff when u can spend the time showering urself knowledge, skills etc.
well i guessed this guy overlooked things a bit. for one i think there;s a lot to learn from helping others. also it fosters a healthy concept of altruism. imagine if everyone thought that they're better off somewhere else?
anyway enough already back to my point about being sicka and all that. yes being sick alters u, urself, physiologiccally and maybe mentally which is probably why i recalled unnecessary bits of memory unworthy of recall.
it's true that people value their lives more when they are sick but abuse health when they are not. and someone's got to be out there denouncing this health belief! if not the doctors then who?
then i question what's my calling? i don't know. like i alluded earlier in my entries i can't even imagine being a house officer running around. what more being an advocate?
but despite all the sickness and sickness-associated thoughts, life still goes on. there's a booksale at expo till the 9th! was there will candy not too long ago. ok maybe at 11 plus which was quite a while ago. anyway supposed to be back there later but i think i'm lazy. maybe tom.
ok time for medication (damn i sound like a filipino nurse!)... i'll be bak layterr (filipino accent..).
cheers!

(suicidal) thoughts

2005-08-04T02:01:00.000+08:00

if i jumped down from one place
and get numb in the wind's embrace
will it be too late to be grieving
when i want my life to go on living?

p.s. don't worry i'm not killing myself!!

memori ayah (1945-1998)

2005-08-02T03:19:00.000+08:00

tujuh tahun lalu
sering diulangi peristiwa.
mencerobohi cerita lama;
keretapi malam henti tetiba
tuk hitam menggadai cinta
dan sendiri..
lahir di tanah Melaka
merempat azab seksa
membawa kaki merata
dengan hati yang terlalu percaya
rezeki hanya ada di kota
akhirnya hampir di Singapura.

dikenang ibunya
yang sering bertanya
sudahkah engkau tak kisahkan desa?
khusyuk bekerja hingga engkau lupa?

namun
setiap kali diulangi
setiap kali kisah diiringi
tangisan mata; tiap malam dia sering
menyingkap
diminta ulangkan
semboyan keretapi
yang kini sudah tiada lagi
hanya memori pedih
bak parut di sanubari.

Sepeninggalannya
ingatan ini mendidih; mendadak!
dan untuknya aku menulis

meskipun dia tak dapat membaca
meskipun dia tak dapat mendengarnya.

esplanade (by the bay of breeze)

2005-08-01T02:24:00.000+08:00

the singapore river talks to us
tales of passing, misery and gay
sadness and happiness it pours
we listen in pretence....blissful

we stare at
the children in curious
pursuits of unfounded happiness

running, falling, standing and running
till their hearts suffice in joy or
their limbs scream in fatigue

we sat overlooking
the plains of Marina and thought
what if this moment became
another piece in our jigsaw?

31.07.2005

2005-08-01T00:05:00.000+08:00

like enough already.... haha. yes finally...the end of 3 days at Jubilee Hall doing the medical production and what relief!! not for me but for everyone else who helped out one way or another. i'm sure they want some rest after months of hard work. the cast and those people behind the scenes really deserve much applause. an of course the man of the medical century, Mr. Wong Chen Seong!! it's funny though...yes a whole bunch of doctors-to-be running a production all by ourselves, with money flowing in from the respective committee of course haahaa...u think all doctors rich meh?! but we did as the man said so himself..all by ourselves!! haha....i recalled when we first met up with chen seong to discuss this possibility. by the way he WROTE the Script, DIRECTED it and even PENNED the lyrics to the music. music composition was done by Justin and co whereas Flora, myself and steph did dance, movement and choreography haha. it's still very interesting to have seen it all materialised! anyway, we were quite apprehensive at first. in addition things were moving slow all that stuff to do with theatre and discipline did at some time hit some raw nerves somewhere (and it always ends up at the hypoglossals cause it starts bitching), but despite the desparation, antagonistic persona and agony, he made us pull it through....i recalled memories of us having to come up with plays and such. the medical school always have this showcase of theatre talent yearly known as the PLayhouse whereby every level that is from Year 1 through Year 5 would have to showcase a play, song and dance, lasting about 45 mins eac, held some time during september like that. at the end of it there'll be prizes for best script, best direction, best actor & actress, best supporting actor and actress, best dance etc...so it's quite happening actually. this year i'm not too sure whther they are having it but they have a playhouse representative elected!! and it's Cheok for my batch haha!! so yes, everyone's acting and dancing dramatically ( no pun intended) exponentially increased when i caught it today. i occured to me that everyone was exceedingly spontaneous and enjoying themselves on stage. maybe it's the thought that the end beckons-what-the-heck-here-goes-nothing-in-your-face attitude. i like.....
i had lunch and dinner with "the chinese girl". and did something bad (uh-uh..no nasty thoughts) she caught my flu bug! and we both have viral rhinitis now. so yep this one heck of a doctor to be who doesn;t know how to take care of himself is going to visit another doctor, who would probably prescribe dextrophan, chloramphenicol and acetaminophen for the triad of symptoms, with this girl at YIH, later. "how exciting- gg to the doctor together", someone lamented. but yah then there came this controversy with food choices when one is sick. is it true that there are certain foods that you can or cannot eat when u are not feeling too good? the answer is no! well some other docs will tell you that you need to avoid this and that but i think that within reasonable boundaries u can eat anything so long as it does not aggravate ur condition. i hear u refute but no, this logic ain't not going down the chute. ok lame or what! anyway, yesh..what i meant to say was that eat whatever but take ur medication, rest well and you'll be fine. the real logic is ur body needs nutrition for growth and combating the illness. unless of course u are in diabetic crisis or hypertensive emergency, then of course it will be prudent that u restrict foods that are high in glycemic index and salt content eh!
we went top shopping, ok not top shop but tops u know what i mean right. btu couldn't get one, supposed to get two. the thing that is iiritating is i can't envision the whole scene thingy so i can't like decide what i wannawear. and what do i do? ask someone else to decide it for me.....dope!
she stuffed banana balls (ok not THAT banana balls) while waiting for the bus to get home. i left for Jubilee (ok the HALL not some fling). ok getting corny or something here...?
right yesterday i was telling rozana that i want to audition for Ensemble! She told Steph. i think the whole world knows now. thanks!

Book of the moment: Asian-American Literature (an anthology) by SHirley Geok-Lin Lim

on chronicles of life

2005-07-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

my nose is going to be the death of me. my chest tightens everytime i take in deep breaths to compensate for the stenosis; somehow oral breathing doesn't seem natural. this dissident mucoid plug won't be bent over by conservative therapy of jia jia liang teh, three legged brand cooling water and excessive intake of water. you don't achieve ur goal, u ended getting diuresis, kidneys work overtime, as if the weather's been nice to my bladder, arrghh the agony of being under the weather! illness can be an imperfection of normal homeostasis of course bt nothing is perfect by any measure, period.
so the day was again filled with silent contemplation of myriad sorts. from the exaggerated thought of getting caught in the rain, the paradoxical belief system of wasting precious irreplacables but being a consumer concomitantly, the need for movement to be in synchrony with the decibels of incomprehensibility and utter frustration of the passivity of the in your face epithet springing into reality, to the complexities of real life experiences that cross this head just like i simply liken them to the gentle swash of waves hitting your feet only to retract and disappear into the vast embodiment not knowing the probability of the subsequent encounter.
i was in the bus when the first heavy droplets splattered in tandem, colourless, minute but nevertheless managed to attract my attention and made me thought of the unplanned, where now do i stop? what if the shelter brokedown?what if this bus got into a deep puddle of nature's heavenly excretion and stalled it's engine only to leave me and the other commuters in merciless desolation? but then it occured to me how much an impact droplets can make. the thudding sounds on plastic. the power to make one look up and exact an expression is significant. i made a humanistic connection.
the transparent screen opposite me in the train is a frame of constantly changing landscape. as it approaches the tunnel between bedok and kembangan, the tracks slope down (relative to my forward journey) and a chiasmatic intersection of road and railway gets in view and in that transient junctional encounter i caught a glimpse of a Super4 and i recalled that back in junior college, i told melanie that i was not, never ever going to contibute to the awful separation of driver and driver (in the motorcycles' case it would be passenger and rider) and actively fumigating the air with my private transportation. that was when i had not yet faced the real terror of public transport, the morning rush hour, the kiasuistic pathology of singaporean culture and the having to soak my feet in Epsom salt at the end of the day thought and PRACTICE caused me to surrender to the alternative. i got my license not long after.
i had fun today over at angeline's party. but i thought of choreography along the way and during and trying to find an inspiration. these distractions (including some chinese girl with a green top and white pants complemented with a black cardigan) successfully caused me a headache. at one i was trying to stem the awkwardness of having step into foreign-ness and coming out of it unfettered, unawkward and delighted (with the headche still). i was sifting through photos left on the wooden table as i sat on a osteoporotic bench and looked at change through the immortalised images captured by light of yesteryears. and i pondered, why was it that i do not have paper-fossils of that sort to evidence the history of my bliss, rendezvous, shared fears, tears with those i dear? not that i have not thought of these before but it hit me this time. that what is it that i wanted from these pictures i see? a longing that was longed for but forever in quest of imaginary satiety? or maybe to supress the insatiable appetite of having known there was once life before now? that those experiences are real and not only rendered by dead memory cells.... it was too late then. by then i was thinking of checking out the swimming pool and yibin invited our lazy bums to the dimly lit poolside overshadowed by darkness. as we talked about the past and future and looked up into the stars, those mysterious glitters that sparsely populated the night skyline. mysteries only solved by taking 'understanding the universe'- said candy.
life has many mysteries, some basic present day concerns and some advance multilateral past and future apprehensions.
i used to tell myself that life should be like a dance. you can't dance in the past or the future. dancing happens right here and now.. in the bones and flesh in this material.
taking things easy was never a bad idea. it's just never been an idea i thought of...

(my son is) Breaking Tradition

2005-07-29T00:54:00.000+08:00

my son screams
denies that he is like me
his eyes, secretive, avoiding mine
i want to tell him about this empty room
of myself and my contenance
of sorrow that bleeds
this room where whispers creep like
lianas in the wilderness
ridden with tear stains
tarnished by latent pain
this room where we lock ourselves in
and feel useless, sweeping with hope
mopping with optimism and foolishly
painting paradise
just to be useful.
my son wants to break traditions
he wants to unlock this room
where secrets hide in the dark
and piety is wont.
still i want to tell him of this room
to make him comprehend
the light in my hands
the madness i carved in my head
the music of silence and
the miracles of seclusion.
my son hates me
he denies he is like me
his eyes are unyielding walls of
mobile phones, internet and music
his pants sway to hip hop
trash, Britney spears and Elliot
his words are a foreign carnival
his joys and sorrows, displayed
for social scrutiny
i do not know the contents of his room

the mirror image reflects a stranger.

he is breaking tradition.

postREMIX1

2005-07-25T02:54:00.000+08:00

i realised that i have thought about a lot of things today but as usual i forget about them because when the end of the day arrives, half of them would have already evaporated, a quarter gets stuck to the cortices and the last quarter gets posted as rubbish interpretation or worse are things that i recall with such vividness but of futile quality and insignificance with regards to inferences and abstractions of course.
i woke up dreamin of a college tutor getting HIV and was overtly spilling her verbal diarrhea all over me and i was shocked but in that dream i cared. i actually wanted to listen! and i sat with her and she told me about her concerns and prognosis and she was like how u doing in medical school all that. we didn;t delve into the aetiological or possible mode of contraction but yah it was fun after all these years. she still looks the same albeit a bit fat!
then i realised i was at home. and sighed. my brain went into a frenzy. and was continually repeating the phrase, "get out..u don;t belong here". and my concious muttered it to me like a parrot! then i get agitated. then i go thinking...i'm an outdoor-ese and not an indoor-nesian! sigh. so i forced myself to think of something to do before i decompose within these 4 walls i call my room. i did my report. just completed it. relieve!
later i pictured a scenario in my head. what if someone -a non-muslim singaporean- was beating up a muslim lady wearing her tudung in public in a crowded shopping mall and i was there to witness that? what would be my reaction? well i mean if the muslim lady did something to him/her like beating his/her child or stealing his/her wallet/purse then maybe she deserved it but i can't help thinking what if he/she was reacting to the London bombings? and this was the only he/she knew to express her disdain and sorrow and emphatise with those who suffered. so how do we react, we muslims in singapore? we never had a situation like this and probably never will, hoepfully, but i cant help but picture this scenario. what would be the consequences of acting and not reacting to the situation.hmmm.... think think think!!
then i thought of writing a book on the medical perspective of dance and how we medically interpret dance in terms of bodily physiology, anatomical concepts of movement etc. but then i don't wanna do orthopaedics nor sports medicine and become a dance consultant so maybe that was just a thought.maybe i'll just dance.
then i thought about the malay language and how beautiful it is and how disgusting of me not to know it. i mean know it well of course...ok feelin a bit tired shall continue again tom i hope...
remix was great. we were first runner ups!

memories

2005-07-22T02:38:00.000+08:00

what's left are memories
deep as the vastness of space
and timeless like the untouched universe

what's left are vivid senses
trapped in cerebral encapsulations
like pockets of unredeemed love in my heart

i clinged on
like gulls perching on the sails of a ship
as it traverses the illimitable

the distance widened
the shore a visual grain
the ship came to terms with the sea

this abundance
i bear in it's absoluteness
but for what purpose?

more thoughts

2005-07-18T03:01:00.000+08:00

goh poh seng's a great poet. his anthology 1961-1998 is an excellent chronological account of his life and events that surround it. go read. bought books but still need to read them. and yes harry potter's out and everyone ok maybe not everyone maybe just HP fans. they're nuts lor. they can get the books later but NO.....everyone wants to read it now now now. never mind the craze, we go crazy for other stuff people find imperceptible. watched the fantastic four. wasn't so bad. but some dialogue (i'm no expert but yah) sounded really scripted. no comments. caught a glimpse of the national day parade contigent of tanks that caused a jam in orchard leading towards suntec at 145AM!! but yeah snap photos but they were accidentally deleted. dumb! tired tired tired. my calves and ankles and knees are vying for attention. i've been ignoring them. the dance for saturday;s re:mix been moving along quite fine, just need to polish up here and there! and do some kinky formation and TRAIN the STAMINA!!! for crying out loud! people lets work it. ok whatever. went to esplanade to catch the bay beats event but ended up in the library and then on the roof just chatting and waiting for the delayed dinner. as usual felt damn awkward. but candy blended well with the gang. but that awkwardness stays. now i have 2 living ghosts. ghosts that ignore me for reasons not yet transpired. i'm living in the present with the past haunting me. nothing left to say. i'm just living my life. so cliche. everyone are living their lives. it's what you fill in between that life's the matter. and it's these little things, these little nuances, these little misfits, that cause major miscomunication that you live with, not for and not whatever..... if maturity lacks a niche in existence, then why does it exist? why do we bother to grow into it?.. if this is the path to absolutism..then absolutism it shall be.... the gate is always open..maybe it's what's beyond the gate that bothers you....but you'll never find out if you don't pass the gate......................

thoughts

2005-07-16T01:48:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking of a poem but nothing comes out of my head. must be the numerous things that's been tying me down. hospital attachment's becoming a routine but there's lotssa things to do. cute kids, cute people and nurses...eerrmmm ok anyway been up and about and as usual as hyperactive as ever. the medicine dance thingy has been so far, satisfactory, everyones' been coming down for rehearsals and learning what they are supposed to be learning. more new stuff to come. the thins is 2 weeks away. is it? yah ok it is! i shall not elaborate further. i was thinking that it might not...oops eh eh..alright thought block (1st rank sign->schizo?!) what was i saying hhmmm never mind.....i still can't imagine myself as a physician (don't know how manytimes i've said that)....
the past week leapk-ed with the blast! peeps (who else) and wanted to with the kental retro gang peeps but somethings never happen. and candy....
alright my brain is really not functioning optimally now...later!

2005-07-07T13:11:00.000+08:00

many things to look forward to this coming month, centennial, busking (music's out!), Re:mix dance competition (where's the music?) and more choreography, speaking of which pat has mentioned that the UG people wil be having our inaugural concert in March 2006, which is like my exam period and a long way to go haha. yah, but choreography really get the angst out of me, try experiment new stuffs and fuzion of styles somehow that seems so far away, maybe cause my vocabulary ain't that diverse yet. my jazz teacher told me that i should not jerk when doing hitch kicks and preparation for my turns. maybe it's too much hip hop. then again i'm also afraid that my hip hop becomes too lyrical (as candy pointed out) and i'll be forever accused of 'marking' my steps in class. damn.
been getting the hibby-jibbies. really. absence does make the heart grow fonder eh? but yah. but presence makes the heart explode sometimes. ok. a bit hyperbolic (how many times have i used this word? lol). been trying to catch up with studying now..gg good except that there is reallt too much in paeds but when i start reading i can't stop, it's like revision all over again and with new clinical stuff. fun or what!!? but yeah it doesn't get finished as usual!
running out of places to lepak it's always the same place. glutton bay. YIH. UCC. KKH library. medical library. what shall i do today?
talking bout lepak, the other the boys and myself were talking about suntec dance competition and yeah. it's going to be a whole new playing level/field with the other competition(s). we talked bout discipline, expectations, who or what to look out for, the myriad of styles that could possibly give us the cutting edge (shit! am i revealing company secrets?) but yah i look forward to dancing with the fellow blast! mates when the time comes. lepak some more as usual!
nights have not been good. sometimes i get too tired. i just sleep to only wake up late for class the other day. Dr. Daisy didn't seem to be too happy when i barged in late for her developmental assessment tutorial but i made up for it when we saw a patient with IMS. lucky days.
Pat's choreo wasn't that bad. i loved the lepak lepak steps and such. haha.....
and yes I"LL change that caption for my blog.

RoBOmaT

summarily

2005-07-05T18:27:00.000+08:00

it's me again. yep the me. the one who gets licked by kids and salivated upon and hit upon and cried on. not fair they wanna beat my face pinch my nose pull my cheeks til they scar it but they dont wannna give me some time. bloody mammals. i need more sustenance and yeah crap. which is propbably why i am gg berserk everytime i see people i know and like. take note there are 2 conditions. so the past few days brought much introspection and thinking and contemplation. been going to the candy shop like everyday, stupid medicine friends. enough of the songs can? i miss the Blast! peeps. i wonder if they miss me. but that's not the point. i'll be dancing soon... ah tau resurrected!
been getting lethargic nowadays.. lucky for me tutors dont mind me sleeping in class. thankfully to god, i have this ability to get back on track with the discussion the moment i get back up from my snippets of dreamland encounters. now everything looks different, they have a cunning resemblance to someone. i wonder who.
preparing for suntec soon. more hectic nights haha..... i look forward to it....eerr...trying to be optimistic here...but yah bring it on.....

02.07.2005

2005-07-03T01:48:00.000+08:00

today has been lonely bt somewhat eventful. got to school to teach dance again with Flora but the same issues crop up again, haunting like ghost except the goosebumps are those of anger. we have 27 more days till the musical and it's moving slowly. attendance was bad (not that it was ever good). flora and myself had like 3 hours of sleep b4 we came but we still tried to make the sessions more exciting, paroxyms jokes breaking down the steps, what not to do but those who slept enough are the ones suffering from cerebral hypoxia actually.
afterwards, when to central lib to catch a nap. contractors made their men drill in there. whatever! afterwards, left for youth park fo rintensive practice for the Re:mix showcase haha....no rest..riding recklessly, almost langgared VW(ugly anyway). slept some more at Youth park while the rest made up at cineleisure. i bet people saw me from the bus! i was so dead, someone could have just robbed me and i would snore away in oblivion. the came tohe waiting, which was bad cause we were supposed to be dancin at 8 pm but ended up dancing at 9pm.not acceptable! but yeah there were the parking lot pimps, some chinese band, B.A.D etc. so the thing goes like this, it's supposed to be a dance competition lah like some people dance and some do breaking and some make music. among all these the crowd was to scream for the team that they liked best and the judges will base their 1st, 2nd and 3rd positions on it. so yeah when results came, i expected that we won and we did the 6 of us. in the grp there was azrul, sham, hakim, myself, sk and i forgot his name. all mats. hakim was mentioning bout joining competitiona as RE:mix next time. he wasn't joking! i squirmed and said i had to go. haha.
met up with my sec school friends at newton circus to eat supper or was that dinner. it's ok yah i told them about it. and yes just in case u might be wondering..... it's official, candy and myself are together. and yes that's the girl Ghaffar saw me with SVC buying tickets..uh huh..so yah actually he saw her first not you guys haha. yeah so you can save the trouble of reading michelle's blog etc cause you heard it from me.
like i said today is somewhat uneventful. i liked Pam's chalet. nice big at one corner. i felt bad not finishing the food. missed the cake by 1 hr. haha it' oklah.
we went home afterwards.
awkwardness seems to enjoy the company of us both.

babies

2005-06-30T11:18:00.000+08:00

so cute. i carried one 3 day old and trembled. maybe it's not a guy thing to carry these things. but how come wenjie can? hhmmp! better carry more. i'm just worried for thier head flopping back when they come up, something about weakness of the axial musculature (i know, whatever!). i'll see more today, i'm a sucker when it comes to baby talk not that i can'tdo it, but i'm concious!! i goo goo gaa gaa-ed a kid yesterday. he almost burst out crying, maybe i look scary. no wait. the kid hasn't seen jega yet he's a walking yeti lah. ok jegs kidding!
there was one abandoned kid in the ward, think everyone in the ward knows. teh thing about paediatric wards is that these kids sometimes don't know that they are sick or for that matter the person next to them is sick. all the patients beside them are FREns!! and what do friends do? play. and what do kids do when they play and make so much noise? they irritate me. sorry lah.... ok back to work now.....

something-neurosis

2005-06-30T11:04:00.000+08:00

i thought about meeting my friends some time and tell them what i've been up to and how's life's going and all that but everyone seems to be so busy. it used to be frequent meet up sessions. maybe cause we are busy with whatever we are doing now whatever it is. anyway tis past week has been surreal and somehow, to put it medically my suprarenals overdischarge, my pituitaries worked overtime, the sympathetic system gets hyperexcitable, my cranial nerves transmits impulses vigorously and i get Graves' disease like symptoms. and the best part my heart is still beating. and somehow listening to the voices of Anggun and Sarah Mclachlan doesn't push you to the brink of being schzoid. or psychosis. i got nights spend cerebrating about a lot of things and of course studying!!! for those who don't understand, i'll leave the option of asking me....i'm extremely SHY....
p.s. i'm still thinking whether they have a name for this cluster of symptoms? something-neurosis? anyone?

Sunday drive

2005-06-26T02:14:00.000+08:00

we meandered into avenues
instead of the taking the seaside shot
taking the drive to scenes unfamiliar
unexplored territories
knowing what we're missing;
the coastal backdrop of the cloudless
blue and breaking crests of the sea.

in these streets; the rustic tenement
windows and grosteque architecture
construct images of ancillary existence
not part
of the general narrative.

ah, to travel and stop

look around

and get lost in this perplex maze, to

hold to this winding idea, like the microscopic

entanglement of a pretty fabric.

there goes this language evaporating

like ghosts in this static state

into their heavens of metaphor

in the distance the sun retires

declining behind blocks of concrete

an amber glow

a campfire in the impending dark.

breathe stretch shake

2005-06-22T01:22:00.000+08:00

had dance today. the whole evening stretching up till nite. gosh the preparations are going well. the hoods are crazy though. bet they'll get in one lah. dance IMMEDIATELY after dinner, calvin and i were burpin and recaping steps. man this is too desperate but we finished the choreo and formation, getting more efficient or what!? hehe....i can't remember the steps i taught in class.. brazenly haha.... those freaks from Blast will. which comes to the point again, when i will stop seeing these guys. been a long time since i caught up with sec sch peeps. met my pal just now at as7, doesn't seem to wanna talk or acknowledge maybe he's in a hurry or something oh well better not think too much of that gesture. chill.
i do have to remember to hand up my report, get textbooks for next week..arrgghh hospital clinical med thing all over again but with kids yeah........... i hope i enjoy paeds.... cos i can't stand babies, toddlers aiyah those things crying, whining and making all that noise....still i'm looking forward.
no more gg malaysia for me then, damn suppposed to be a weekly thingy but too bad, have BETTER things to do (yes yes keep telling myself that, lets see slough at the hospital slough at the hospital and slough at the hospital), sometimes i wonder, if people in the general medical and surgical wards sleep post-prandially then those paediatric patients will be in somnolence state like 24 hrs or at times when THEY want to wake up and cry some more. man i pity the nurses already, must checkj their ears for plugs maybe that's how they cope....
lately been getting cranky (not gettin crunk!- ok LAME) like i would snap at the littlest stuff. again it's a mystery.maybe subconciously i'm fed up with some force somewhere. think it's about time i re-read my psychiatry text, what's that some theory of mind thingy. ah yes DSM IV might have the answer, no treatment though.....sigh again.... electroconvulsive? sertralin? psychotherapy?
right. was talking bout dance with fren just now. bout 5 schools of jazz, 6 schools of contemporary dance, the bickering ballet schools, hip hop and economics, approach, choreography, politics, adaptibility etc. got enlightened. yeah realised i have a long way to go..really long!! but MBBS first!! must pass, must work as HO, MO..... haha which reminds me saw my newly graduated senior dancing at jitterbugs, i'm like," eh don't u have patients to see?" apparently he has time to dance all that...doing salsa..i wanna do salsa.....okok soon soon... babies and women and bacteria and bones first ok....???? anyway for dance never actually put expectations on like winning stuffs like dance is merely dance and dance. i guess for me it's more like gaining experience and building confidence on stage and not forgetting steps etc.
anyway, been a tiring day, getting myalgia and myositis better stretch. gonna miss my jazz class tom. there goes one more day training hitch kicks, grande battement, arabesque and all other luigi stuff.......damn..........
Kandang Kerbau here i come.....soon haha

21.06.2005

2005-06-21T02:12:00.000+08:00

the past week has been tiring. two consecutive competitions. first i thot we wouldnt get inarc ecko competition finals but i turns out we did..must be our very nice expressions haha and the costumes and the old school mediocre shit! remix was one heck of a competition and the floor was bad. i think i #ed my ankle jumping over jacky. ok people no more stunts over concrete ok!? ok had the fight scene to finish addicted to Elliot's new song-Lose control and made the blast! people dance to it. haha (evil laugh). haven't been meeting up with frens they came down to watch but only after i performed like huh? called but my phone in ma bag sorry guys can come again on Saturday ok? haha...zahdan has this movie marathon thingy. not that im not interested but i have da comp.
nowadays it feels like dancing's like meaningless. my mom don't get it. nvm. my fren celia asked me a very good question on one of our lepak escapades,'what does dance or Blast! mean to you?' .....i took so long to think that but managed a,' hmmm i've never thot about that actually. sometimes really it means i don't know......'
better thoughts going to hospital kk.....see young sick kids (literally) and be-fren them haha....reading the paed's textbook and i don't get it....so many things to note here and there...kids kids the joy and death of every parent!
the lepak club or CULT is getting too much for 'comfort' if u know what i mean ok actually u don;t...nvm. the fact is we see one another everyday we scare the shit out of one another like hello is me IN UR FACE again!!! like right now u make me close my eyes i could point out ur pimple if u want or that 5 yr old scar on ur face.......!!! CULT-Y......
mood is getting erratic nowadays don't know why....ok NOT PMS-ing..but yeah maybe it's the reaction to daily events, conversations, misunderstanding, irritability and impatience. i shouldgo kill an ant or a cockroach ( i used to kill lots of them at one time under my fren's block....happy and guilty) to relieve my stress. more stress coming up man..i don't know what's up with the progress of the centennial man......all of us looming in darkness in the fog behind one anothers' shadow whatever. maybe all i need is a good sleep. or a good read. or a nice smile.....my sister's smile always make my day....nowadays they sleep when i get back...don;t get to see..maybe when she sleep-talk lah hor......
need money andno time to do werk. dance dance! that's what my fren said. planplan...thinkthink doesn't anyone get tired...man....
okok hamba ingin beradu...

journey to eternity

2005-06-17T02:43:00.000+08:00

for me the night train stopped/i who halt not but for necessity/no ticket no luggage no passengers drop/alone in this journey towards immortality/we passed by the grazing horses/the pastures scarcely done/looked up on mounts of brick-red houses/as i awed the setting sun/slowly we went we knew no haste/like a feather gently blown away/pondered the times i left to waste/as pitch-black darkness turns into day/i surmised the soot-stained head/in morning where the sun shines bright/heading for centuries i can not dread/one i must make into the blinding light.

problems

2005-06-16T15:10:00.000+08:00

the background noise will never go away. it radiates like the sun except it focuses it's energy on me and it hits like a thousand needles exploding from a plastic bomb. hurts everytime. i make myself louder or listen to the sounds of laughter; of joy, happiness and carefree, to silence the constant buzzing. when my evasion wanes, reality bites me. again. the pain progresses. it evolved into something incomprehensible. i numbed myself. frivolous attempts. now i wish i was deaf.....

everyday

2005-06-15T03:25:00.000+08:00

everyday is an abstraction; where the physical meets the metaphysical in this deficient-laden perceptible world we call reality. reality bites! sometimes........

tetapi seringkali ku rasa hidup ini tidak dihayati langsung. ia diendah dibiarkan kesinambungannya terapung berleluasa tanpa teguhan yang sempurna. jelas mati tanda² tanya penjana permulaan.....

hatred

2005-06-13T01:52:00.000+08:00

Hatred is the lost for words as magma
flows over the contours of the temples,
It is the white calling the black with venomous resonance,
It is failure to connect with your loved ones
And the stabs of injustice to the innocent soul.

Hatred is the abandonment one does not fathom,
It is the betrayal of loyalty, trust, love and self,
It is engagement that ceases in cold despondency
And the heartful laughter of pretentious intendment.

Hatred is the conviction that weakness parallels strength,
It is the fear of confessing deep-running sentiments,
It is exposure to vibes of irritating idiosyncracies
And the glacier-speed motion of apparent progress.

Hatred is the inability to confront fear itself,
It is the love for the forbidden material,
It is stupidity masquerading intellectual absolutism
And the powerless reaction of rational judgment.